Secular Marriage

I always thought marriage was founded by religion. So I never really understood why atheists and gay couples ever felt the need to get married, except maybe for the benefits. Perhaps marriage was strongly tied to religion in the past, which might be why religious folks fought so strongly to prevent same-sex marriages, but after a quick Miriam-Webster visit, there is no mention of religion in the definition.

From a religious point of view, marriage is the symbol of god's plan to match two people up together. I would imagine that most religious folks believe in soul mates, so this ritual would serve a dual purpose. So what does marriage mean to everyone else? Maybe it was just invented by the government as incentive to the rest of us to get married, have a family, and further perpetuate the ideal American dream.

Going along with my most recent blogs, perhaps marriage is simply a communication from one person to another that states both parties are ready to stop the search for their ideal mate; not because they found this person, but because they are ready to compromise. Obviously though from recent divorce rates, this doesn't often last long. Which makes you wonder why.

My grandparents are still married, on both my mother's and father's side. When they got married, I believe they were very religious, but I don't think that was the reason they decided to get married. I'm not sure what their religions are today, but they got married because of their situations. The biggest reason being children, which I'm sure is the reason for 90% of the marriages even today. And they stayed married. This doesn't anymore. I'm assuming it has to do with the slow evaporation of traditional 'gender roles'. The women used to be very depended on their husband and just couldn't afford to leave him. I'm almost positive if I asked either of my grandparents if they believed they were married to their soul mates, they would laugh in my face. The idea that there is probably a better match for you somewhere in the world I'm sure is not my invention.

The one thing I can also say about my grandparents is that they love each other. There's just no doubt in my mind. Whatever love is, they have it. They argue constantly. Sometimes it even seems that they might hate each other from time to time, but they can always find something to laugh about during dinner. This makes it all worth it.

Connecting to my previous blog about attraction, and thinking about the unique personalities of the woman form Sex and the City, it all depends on the person. Samantha for example is on a vigorous search for the perfect man, going through them like candy. Her three friends Miranda, Charlotte, and Carrie on the other hand are a bit more selective and careful. As an end to the series(the movie), while her friends end up with the guy everyone knew they would end up with, she leaves a seemingly perfect relationship because of her unwillingness to compromise. This is just the kind of person she is.

Coming to the realization that it is impossible to search the entire world for the person who comes closer than anyone else to your ideal, how do you know when it's time to stop searching and settle down with a person you feel comfortable compromising with? I suppose it all depends on how ambitious you are, and your standards in general. Some people will search forever, like Samantha Jones, while others are content to settle. Much like finding a soul mate, I wonder if it's equally as difficult to find another person willing to settle. Everyone feels comfort in knowing that something or someone will always be there. Unfortunately there are many deciding factors constantly in flux, there's no way to know for sure. I cannot dwell on these thoughts though, as they are beyond my control. What I can control is my smile. And it will be in use every single day of my life.

Fading Attraction

Yet another interesting conversation with my psychology-major friend leaves me feeling somewhat conflicted. We were talking about past relationships and whether or not people kept in touch after a break-up. I ask her if she talks to her ex-boyfriends at all, and she says no for the most part. Being very naive on the subject, I couldn't wrap my head around why. She then tells me about a psychology study that suggests that after about three years, a certain sort of attractiveness for another fades. From what she tells me, this has been linked to why most marriages fail after an average of three years. So according to this study, even if you date someone for a few years, break up, wait three years for the feelings to go away, you are able to forget about this person altogether. Perhaps this is the reason they say, 'time heals all wounds'. Just wait three years, and just like that you rid yourself of the pain and longing for another. But is it that simple? I suppose its just the way she told me, but from her tone it sounded like an absolute. And if you've read any of my earlier blogs, you'll notice that absolutes and I don't get along very well.

I wouldn't say it's impossible, but highly situational. People change, both physically and mentally. So I suppose it's not hard to believe how attractiveness would also change. But what really gets me is people's ability to cast away experiences and memories so easily. My cynical view leads me to believe that all people really care about is the here and now. The past is the past, who can hold my attention today? Then again I have a pretty limited view and understanding of my peers. Maybe people do silently cry in the rain.