When I look at or hear this word spoken, I get a very soft and warm feeling at my core. It occurs regardless of whether or not I have any friends in my life. This happens because of the way I interpret the meaning of the word. Not everyone will have the same reaction as me. While I do agree that there are varying degrees of what a friend is, I feel that the actual embodiment of my interpretation of the word is very precious.
I made a post a while back about performance-based relationships. I argued that friendships were performance based. I don't know if I necessarily believe this anymore. While I think there are many people who interpret the word differently than I do who have performance-based friendships; the essence of what a friend is to me, is not at all performance-based. Much how I believe that love for a family member is unrequited, the effort and care you put in to a friendship is very much the same.
It is a bit of a coincidence, but now that I think about it - a manga that I follow consists of a 'friendship' that is a bit one sided. In a nutshell, one of the two boys cares very much about the other - and the other could not care less. The connection I'm making here is that once someone enters your life and makes a significant enough impact on you personally, this person becomes very important to you. In essence this person becomes a friend to you. The importance of this person will never go away. You will always hold them in the highest regard. You will always care about this person. No matter what.
Now, I realize people may change - and eventually drift apart somewhat. But, I think that real friends will never lose contact. The connections that they made in the past will always be important. Unfortunately, I also think that friendships can be one sided. But I think that once you understand and accept the ins and outs of human interpersonal relationships, you can cope with having a one-sided friendship.
I personally think that true two way friendships are actually quite rare. If you have one, consider yourself very lucky. I am making a huge guess here, but I would say that only 1 in 10 people have a true two way friendship in their lifetime that is not performance based.
Imagine a person who will call you just to see that you are doing well. A person who is not fickle. Someone who will not ignore you for any reason. Someone who will do whatever they can to help you. A person you can call and confide in. Someone you can always fall back on. Someone who is not curious, but actually cares about you. A strong and reliable connection you will never lose in this crazy world of ours.
This is what a friend is to me.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
6/26/2011
3/21/2009
Change
{ I could see it coming. I didn't want to believe it, but my subconscious could no longer maintain the illusion. After ten years, you really know someone. The way she smiled. The way she kissed me. None of it was the same anymore. She wasn't cheating on me; she's not that kind of person. Day to day though I could feel her slipping away. She no longer felt for me the way I still felt for her. It's not her fault though, nor is it mine. Emotion is purely reactive and is not something we can control despite our inherent free will.
A few months after we started dating, while neither of us believed in the idea of marriage, we came to a consensus that we would stick together no matter what. We often discussed the idea that somewhere in the world there would always exist someone else who we found more attractive than one another. Removing ourselves from that never ending and fruitless search, we maintained a fiction that we were each others soul-mates. We would support each other, love each other, grow old together, and change together. We even talked about adopting a child once.
And then it all came to a halt. I knew it the morning she left for work. Not wanting to accidentally wake me up, she would normally leave the bedroom door slightly ajar; that day I woke up and the door was tightly shut. We discussed the situation logically over dinner that evening, and she moved out the following day. And I was alone, repeating to myself one of the last things she said to me, "I still love you, but I've changed". I had no choice but to change as well. } - A short fiction
A few months after we started dating, while neither of us believed in the idea of marriage, we came to a consensus that we would stick together no matter what. We often discussed the idea that somewhere in the world there would always exist someone else who we found more attractive than one another. Removing ourselves from that never ending and fruitless search, we maintained a fiction that we were each others soul-mates. We would support each other, love each other, grow old together, and change together. We even talked about adopting a child once.
And then it all came to a halt. I knew it the morning she left for work. Not wanting to accidentally wake me up, she would normally leave the bedroom door slightly ajar; that day I woke up and the door was tightly shut. We discussed the situation logically over dinner that evening, and she moved out the following day. And I was alone, repeating to myself one of the last things she said to me, "I still love you, but I've changed". I had no choice but to change as well. } - A short fiction
3/18/2009
Performance-Based Relationships
A few months ago I happen to catch a segment of a Dr. Phil show on game addictions. Being an avid gamer myself in the past, despite my contempt for the host, I took an interest in what they were saying. He's not really a doctor, so I'm going to be calling him Phil from now on. Anyway, at the moment I started watching, they were talking to a man in his late twenties, early thirties about an online game he played and the friendships he formed. Phil asked him what sort of character he played and the man replied with, "an elemental shaman". Phil laughed at him as if he were a child and proceeded to ask him why he enjoyed playing the game so much. He went on to say that it was a hobby like any other. He enjoyed the experience of playing in an alternate world and the mechanics of the game-play, along with the interactions with hundreds of others and the friends he acquired. Phil then asked him, "You actually have friends in the game you play?". He said yes and that they interact almost everyday, even sometimes outside of the game, and that he actually met a few of them in real life. Phil and his side-kick expert for the day took over from there. They argued that the friends he acquired in the game-world weren't real friends because their friendship is performance-based. They were only friends with him because they wanted something. This is where I started feeling for the guy. Phil then started spewing out pseudo-facts about how detrimental game addictions are and that they were offering to provide him 'professional' service to help him get rid of his vice.
In his situation, he planned his entire life around the game and while he still maintained a job, he slightly neglected his family and his girlfriend. I will agree that game addictions can be detrimental to a person's overall well-being, but it is no different than any other addiction or hobby for that matter; you can learn to control and balance it. My biggest problem with Phil is his assertion that the man's online friends weren't real. I'm going to take a wild guess here and assume that the all-knowing "Dr." Phil has never played a video game in his life, much less a massive-multiplayer online role-playing game(MMORPG).
I have no problem admitting that I played the ever popular World of Warcraft for about a year straight. I was pretty heavily into it. (If you'd rather skip the geek-talk, feel free to skip this entire paragraph) I leveled four of my characters to level 70: a gnome mage, night-elf hunter, human warlock, and a draenei paladin. During the Burning Crusade, my mage was my main(character). I don't care what anyone says, I'd pwn a warlock any day on the damage meters - especially after the tier 5 bonus with the arcane spec - although I admit I was horrible at pvp. Anyway, I joined up with a mature guild named FortyTwo on the realm Whisperwind. It was a raiding guild and we were able to progress half-way into tier 6 content before Wrath of the Lich King was released. For those of you who are trying to follow this paragraph, 'raiding' is an event in which 25 people get together at once and try to overcome an obstacle known as a dungeon that requires alot of communication and coordination on everyone's part. The encounters I am most proud of are when we were able to defeat Lady Vashj and Prince Kael'thas, along with our ability to achieve the Zul'aman timed event which awarded a Bear Mount which less than 10% of the total people who play the game are able to get. I don't mean to brag by any means, but rather outline the difficultly that went into the achievement.
Here's my bear!
Vashj by FortyTwo of Whisperwind
That's me up front doing a little dance for the camera.
Prince Kael'Thas by FortyTwo of Whisperwind
I'm on the far left. Aren't I a little cutie?
Watch this video to get an idea of the complexity of such an encounter. Also, imagine twenty-five people talking to each other through microphones while all this is going on. As a gamer, this is my attempt to defend our intelligence and to break down any stereotypes that these types of games make people's brains go to mush.
People play these games for different reasons. I played it for the challenge. The satisfaction I got from achieving something with twenty-four others after hours of practice was immeasurable. After playing the game for so long, the more I realized how similar it was to real-life. It had it's own economy, competition, controversy, and groups of people who got together to achieve a similar goal. The people I played with had lives of their own. They have jobs, families, and significant others. It's interesting to notice thought that most of the people in my guild played with their significant others, which is perhaps the reason why the game didn't get in the way of their real life. I admire these people because of their ability to balance the game with the real world. Often after the 'raid', people would just talk.... about the economy, about life, about relationships. If that's not a friend, then what is? I have since stopped playing the game, but I'm still in contact with a few of the people I played with. Above all, for me, it was a distraction. When something acts as a distraction, it becomes dangerous. It was just something I was doing while trying to find my true passion. After I found it, I was able to let the game go. I did enjoy the experience though and there might be a day I'll return, but when and if I do, it will not be my first priority like it once was.
Phil's argument was that online friends aren't real because they are performance-based. I can see where he is coming from with this argument, but I don't agree. Much of the game takes quite a bit of skill, and often when groups are forming, the best players are picked first. My guild's raids for example....only twenty-five people can go, while there are more than that who want to go. Depending on the maturity of the people you group with, it is possible for someone who pretends to be your friend in attempt to get you to help them out with something. This is where the false friendship comes into play. I would say that the average adult can probably see through this front, which is part of the reason I disagree with Phil. Contrary to popular belief, most of people's play time is spent socializing; it's in these times that most of the real friendships are formed.
I'm also going to argue that all friendships, and even most relationships in general are performance-based. According to Phil, true friends are the product of unrequited friendship. With this mode of thinking, a friendship with a rock could exist. Before I go any further I want to give my own definition of friendship. Friendship to me, is a bond that exists between two parties which requires reciprocation on both ends. When searching for a friend or a lover, you look for someone you can connect with. In order for this connection to be made, participation is required from each person. Phil says that online friends aren't real because they only want something from you. How is this different in real life? I'd argue that all friendships and most relationships exist because of a constant exchange of goods and services. The main difference between a friend and an acquaintance is the frequency and importance of these goods and services that are exchanged. The ability to exchange these things whether it be advice, a sentiment, or a shoulder to cry on is in essence a performance. The better performance, the better the friend is.
Textograph time! The Xs are the exchange of goods and services. You can imagine what the Os are.
Acquaintance -------------------------------Friend---------Lover
x x x x x x x x x xx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoxoxooXOXOXO
It is my opinion that unrequited love exists largely among immediate family, more often from parent to child. We all have some level of unrequited compassion within us, but friendship does not require it. While it is possible to have unrequited love or compassion for someone else, this does not necessarily require any form of relationship. While unrequited, compassion is just another good or service that may or may not spark a relationship. It is a theory of mine though that compassion grows with connection. While it may not start the relationship, it will keep it going.
And as Forest Gump said after his audience had absolutely no idea what he was talking about previously, "that's all I have to say about that".
P.S. - Go Alliance!
In his situation, he planned his entire life around the game and while he still maintained a job, he slightly neglected his family and his girlfriend. I will agree that game addictions can be detrimental to a person's overall well-being, but it is no different than any other addiction or hobby for that matter; you can learn to control and balance it. My biggest problem with Phil is his assertion that the man's online friends weren't real. I'm going to take a wild guess here and assume that the all-knowing "Dr." Phil has never played a video game in his life, much less a massive-multiplayer online role-playing game(MMORPG).
I have no problem admitting that I played the ever popular World of Warcraft for about a year straight. I was pretty heavily into it. (If you'd rather skip the geek-talk, feel free to skip this entire paragraph) I leveled four of my characters to level 70: a gnome mage, night-elf hunter, human warlock, and a draenei paladin. During the Burning Crusade, my mage was my main(character). I don't care what anyone says, I'd pwn a warlock any day on the damage meters - especially after the tier 5 bonus with the arcane spec - although I admit I was horrible at pvp. Anyway, I joined up with a mature guild named FortyTwo on the realm Whisperwind. It was a raiding guild and we were able to progress half-way into tier 6 content before Wrath of the Lich King was released. For those of you who are trying to follow this paragraph, 'raiding' is an event in which 25 people get together at once and try to overcome an obstacle known as a dungeon that requires alot of communication and coordination on everyone's part. The encounters I am most proud of are when we were able to defeat Lady Vashj and Prince Kael'thas, along with our ability to achieve the Zul'aman timed event which awarded a Bear Mount which less than 10% of the total people who play the game are able to get. I don't mean to brag by any means, but rather outline the difficultly that went into the achievement.
Here's my bear!
Vashj by FortyTwo of Whisperwind
That's me up front doing a little dance for the camera.
Prince Kael'Thas by FortyTwo of Whisperwind
I'm on the far left. Aren't I a little cutie?
Watch this video to get an idea of the complexity of such an encounter. Also, imagine twenty-five people talking to each other through microphones while all this is going on. As a gamer, this is my attempt to defend our intelligence and to break down any stereotypes that these types of games make people's brains go to mush.
People play these games for different reasons. I played it for the challenge. The satisfaction I got from achieving something with twenty-four others after hours of practice was immeasurable. After playing the game for so long, the more I realized how similar it was to real-life. It had it's own economy, competition, controversy, and groups of people who got together to achieve a similar goal. The people I played with had lives of their own. They have jobs, families, and significant others. It's interesting to notice thought that most of the people in my guild played with their significant others, which is perhaps the reason why the game didn't get in the way of their real life. I admire these people because of their ability to balance the game with the real world. Often after the 'raid', people would just talk.... about the economy, about life, about relationships. If that's not a friend, then what is? I have since stopped playing the game, but I'm still in contact with a few of the people I played with. Above all, for me, it was a distraction. When something acts as a distraction, it becomes dangerous. It was just something I was doing while trying to find my true passion. After I found it, I was able to let the game go. I did enjoy the experience though and there might be a day I'll return, but when and if I do, it will not be my first priority like it once was.
Phil's argument was that online friends aren't real because they are performance-based. I can see where he is coming from with this argument, but I don't agree. Much of the game takes quite a bit of skill, and often when groups are forming, the best players are picked first. My guild's raids for example....only twenty-five people can go, while there are more than that who want to go. Depending on the maturity of the people you group with, it is possible for someone who pretends to be your friend in attempt to get you to help them out with something. This is where the false friendship comes into play. I would say that the average adult can probably see through this front, which is part of the reason I disagree with Phil. Contrary to popular belief, most of people's play time is spent socializing; it's in these times that most of the real friendships are formed.
I'm also going to argue that all friendships, and even most relationships in general are performance-based. According to Phil, true friends are the product of unrequited friendship. With this mode of thinking, a friendship with a rock could exist. Before I go any further I want to give my own definition of friendship. Friendship to me, is a bond that exists between two parties which requires reciprocation on both ends. When searching for a friend or a lover, you look for someone you can connect with. In order for this connection to be made, participation is required from each person. Phil says that online friends aren't real because they only want something from you. How is this different in real life? I'd argue that all friendships and most relationships exist because of a constant exchange of goods and services. The main difference between a friend and an acquaintance is the frequency and importance of these goods and services that are exchanged. The ability to exchange these things whether it be advice, a sentiment, or a shoulder to cry on is in essence a performance. The better performance, the better the friend is.
Textograph time! The Xs are the exchange of goods and services. You can imagine what the Os are.
Acquaintance -------------------------------Friend---------Lover
x x x x x x x x x xx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoxoxooXOXOXO
It is my opinion that unrequited love exists largely among immediate family, more often from parent to child. We all have some level of unrequited compassion within us, but friendship does not require it. While it is possible to have unrequited love or compassion for someone else, this does not necessarily require any form of relationship. While unrequited, compassion is just another good or service that may or may not spark a relationship. It is a theory of mine though that compassion grows with connection. While it may not start the relationship, it will keep it going.
And as Forest Gump said after his audience had absolutely no idea what he was talking about previously, "that's all I have to say about that".
P.S. - Go Alliance!
2/17/2009
Relationships
Perfection and ideals are purely conceptual by nature, so compromise is essential. This applies to many things, including a careers and relationships. Everyone carries around in their mind an idea of a perfect world. Some concept of an ideal is formed and used as a scale to measure potential real-life situations. As they go through their lives, they choose options closest to their ideal as possible, thus lessening the need for compromise. As better options become available, things are often replaced. Now, unless you believe in soul mates, this includes romantic partners. Compromise is what makes this world go around. When it is absent or has not been established, conflicts occur. Perfection does not exist, and there will always be a gap in people's ideals.
Here's a small excerpt of something I wrote a while ago after scrutinizing the film Before Sunset:
"In a sense, we all have that one person who we compare everyone else to. It may not be your ideal mate, but it is a person in your life you have either dated or befriended who you've identified with on a deeper level than anyone else. It may be a collection of people, a handful, or even just a few. We use this as to gauge new people we encounter. If you're lucky, you'll find someone who goes off the scale. Hell, you're lucky even if someone comes close. This may or may not be true, but from what I know... and from personal experience, we spend an abundant amount of time thinking about this person. Even if you are in a relationship... you might even be somewhat happy with it, but if this person rates even a 9/10 on your mental scale, you can't help but fall victim to the constant flood of thoughts of what could have been, what could be, and if you're willing to repress these thoughts for the sake of your current relationship. "
In my opinion, all attraction is quantitative. Whether you're willing to admit it or not, we measure people, consciously and unconsciously. While objectively, the color of a person's hair or the way they smell are qualitative, they are quantitative to an individual with opinions. Naturally, the person who rates the highest in all categories is usually the one pursued.
Depending on your state of mind, the idea that there will always be someone better than you, can be slightly depressing. The idea that one day you might be replaced can put enough fear and worry in anyone and deter them from starting any sort of relationship.
This cannot stop you from living though. Understand it. Accept it. The important thing is to keep moving while maintaining and embracing the connections you make throughout your life. Despite who you may be with, the connections you make with people should always matter. These are the things that will get you through the day. Keep them close, as they will fulfil you.
Here's a small excerpt of something I wrote a while ago after scrutinizing the film Before Sunset:
"In a sense, we all have that one person who we compare everyone else to. It may not be your ideal mate, but it is a person in your life you have either dated or befriended who you've identified with on a deeper level than anyone else. It may be a collection of people, a handful, or even just a few. We use this as to gauge new people we encounter. If you're lucky, you'll find someone who goes off the scale. Hell, you're lucky even if someone comes close. This may or may not be true, but from what I know... and from personal experience, we spend an abundant amount of time thinking about this person. Even if you are in a relationship... you might even be somewhat happy with it, but if this person rates even a 9/10 on your mental scale, you can't help but fall victim to the constant flood of thoughts of what could have been, what could be, and if you're willing to repress these thoughts for the sake of your current relationship. "
In my opinion, all attraction is quantitative. Whether you're willing to admit it or not, we measure people, consciously and unconsciously. While objectively, the color of a person's hair or the way they smell are qualitative, they are quantitative to an individual with opinions. Naturally, the person who rates the highest in all categories is usually the one pursued.
Depending on your state of mind, the idea that there will always be someone better than you, can be slightly depressing. The idea that one day you might be replaced can put enough fear and worry in anyone and deter them from starting any sort of relationship.
This cannot stop you from living though. Understand it. Accept it. The important thing is to keep moving while maintaining and embracing the connections you make throughout your life. Despite who you may be with, the connections you make with people should always matter. These are the things that will get you through the day. Keep them close, as they will fulfil you.
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