Now I'm not sure if we really shared the same name or not; perhaps she just said that so I'd give her a big tip. Nonetheless, I was able to order some drinks.
That first Sam Adams was highly satisfying so I had to order another one. While I drank, my attention switched between the tv across the bar and a conversation being had by a man and woman four stools to the left of me. Out of the twenty minutes or so that I sat there, I didn't hear the man say one word; I suppose that's typical though. She was describing the end of her marriage of 15 or so years and the ever so common struggle thereafter. It was sort of like watching an episode of Maury, except the host wasn't saying anything, so I lost interest pretty quickly.
The beers were indeed yummy, but they weren't doing much damage so I ordered something with a bit more kick. The only thing that I could think of that wasn't too fancy was a long island iced tea, so that's what I asked for. It certainly did the trick. I felt my spirits rise as I started to laugh about the events so far that night. I wanted it to last my full walk home, so I decided to leave. I took a quick trip to their restroom that didn't lock, said goodnight and thanks so the bartender, and left the bar with a smirk.
9/02/2007
9/01/2007
One for the Record, Part 3
It isn't uncommon that I randomly imagine my demise, so I wasn't phased much. At this point it was around 11:30 p.m. and I was about one fourth of the way there.
I was nearing my old neighborhood so I decided to take a small detour to check out the house I lived in for six years. The house itself looked exactly the same, it was still tan with green shutters. The garage even still had the attached basketball hoop that seemed to be hanging by a thread the last time I was there. I moved in for a closer look but as I got the base of the driveway a spotlight came on so I decided it best to keep moving, especially since I could hear conversation across the street. As I walked, I imagined how funny it would be if they called the cops on me. I made a complete circle around the neighborhood back to main street attaching names of old friends to houses as I went. A little further down main street I noticed a small bar on the corner of a miniature one floor office building. Considering how I wasn't in any rush and in dire need of a drink, I decided to check the place out.
Not wanting to awkwardly roam around, I took the first stool I saw at the bar. It was indeed a small place. There were around 15 stools around the oval shaped bar which sort of hugged the wall on the right when you walked in. They had two small tv's hung up on the walls with major league baseball playing on both. On opposite sides of the room were a pool table and a jukebox. The pool table was closer to the bar while a small dining area of a couple booths and several tables accompanied the jukebox. There were about ten people there when I entered. Four people at the bar itself, three playing pool, and three standing near one of the tv's with beers in their hands watching the game. They were all guys except one. From where I was sitting I'd say their ages ranged from thirty to fifty. As I was looking at the closest tv trying to determine who was playing I heard a female ask me for an ID. I turned my head back to the bar and got my first look at the bartender. I suppose she was in her mid 30's. She had shoulder length blonde hair with that wet look to it, a pink t-shirt, and pretty night jeans. She wasn't too bad looking, although nothing spectacular. I rummaged through my pockets and pulled out my wallet. As soon as I opened it I remembered the cop had taken my license. I quickly explained my situation while shuffling through my wallet. I threw my student ID up on the counter hoping it had my date of birth on it while I continued my search. Library card, debit cards, insurance cards, nothing had my date of birth. I looked up at her and said I was sorry just after finishing my story. I pulled the movies out of my pocket to prove that at least part of my story was true, although not the important part. Looking up from my student ID, she asked me my first name. After my response, she held out her hand as to shake mine and as we shook she told me we shared the same name. "Nice to meet you, what can I get for you", was what she said next. I thanked her and asked for a Sam Adams.
I was nearing my old neighborhood so I decided to take a small detour to check out the house I lived in for six years. The house itself looked exactly the same, it was still tan with green shutters. The garage even still had the attached basketball hoop that seemed to be hanging by a thread the last time I was there. I moved in for a closer look but as I got the base of the driveway a spotlight came on so I decided it best to keep moving, especially since I could hear conversation across the street. As I walked, I imagined how funny it would be if they called the cops on me. I made a complete circle around the neighborhood back to main street attaching names of old friends to houses as I went. A little further down main street I noticed a small bar on the corner of a miniature one floor office building. Considering how I wasn't in any rush and in dire need of a drink, I decided to check the place out.
Not wanting to awkwardly roam around, I took the first stool I saw at the bar. It was indeed a small place. There were around 15 stools around the oval shaped bar which sort of hugged the wall on the right when you walked in. They had two small tv's hung up on the walls with major league baseball playing on both. On opposite sides of the room were a pool table and a jukebox. The pool table was closer to the bar while a small dining area of a couple booths and several tables accompanied the jukebox. There were about ten people there when I entered. Four people at the bar itself, three playing pool, and three standing near one of the tv's with beers in their hands watching the game. They were all guys except one. From where I was sitting I'd say their ages ranged from thirty to fifty. As I was looking at the closest tv trying to determine who was playing I heard a female ask me for an ID. I turned my head back to the bar and got my first look at the bartender. I suppose she was in her mid 30's. She had shoulder length blonde hair with that wet look to it, a pink t-shirt, and pretty night jeans. She wasn't too bad looking, although nothing spectacular. I rummaged through my pockets and pulled out my wallet. As soon as I opened it I remembered the cop had taken my license. I quickly explained my situation while shuffling through my wallet. I threw my student ID up on the counter hoping it had my date of birth on it while I continued my search. Library card, debit cards, insurance cards, nothing had my date of birth. I looked up at her and said I was sorry just after finishing my story. I pulled the movies out of my pocket to prove that at least part of my story was true, although not the important part. Looking up from my student ID, she asked me my first name. After my response, she held out her hand as to shake mine and as we shook she told me we shared the same name. "Nice to meet you, what can I get for you", was what she said next. I thanked her and asked for a Sam Adams.
8/31/2007
One for the Record, Part 2
Since my car doors don't lock, I shoved the movies in my cargo pockets and headed off down the sidewalk toward main street. On my way to the junction, I passed a jogger and some creepy guy standing beside a tree in front of an abandoned office building. After taking a left at the intersection I attempted to buy an icecream sundae in McDonald's drive-through. Unfortunately I was denied service because I wasn't in a car :( A little further down main street I stopped in a gas station and decided to try one of their new energy drinks. I picked a grape flavored one with a skull on the front of the can; I don't remember the brand it was. I continued drinking while I walked. About a quarter mile down from McDonalds I came to a an underpass. Being covered in shadow, I was slightly hesitant in walking though to the other side but continued anyway. About halfway through I glanced up at the slanted walls on either side that led up to the base of the bridge and saw nothing there. A second after I turned my head back to where I was walking, I blinked. The moment my eyes closed, a violent scene shot through my head. I imagined a dark figure descend from where I just looked, stab me the stomach with a dagger of some sort, and run off into the distance with my wallet. I slouched to the ground clutching my stomach and with blood trickling out of my mouth I just lay there helpless as my vision blurred into nothingness. I stopped dead in my tracks and opened my eyes as goosebumps trailed down my back. I quickly looked around again, straightened up, took a deep breath, and continued my long walk home.
One for the Record, Part I
So tonight had to be one of the strangest nights of my life. Side note* I just recently moved back to the town I went to high school in to live with my grandparents for a semester. It all started at about 9:30 when I decided to go rent some movies at blockbuster. Dunkin' Donuts is on the way so I decided to go visit my sister at work before they closed the lobby. The visit lasted about 10 minutes or so, and then I was off to the video store. In the half mile or so before I got there, I noticed a cop who started to follow me. I didn't think anything of it at first, but then he followed me into the parking lot. After I parked I casually got out of my car with the dvds I was returning, and before I could take a second step he shined his flashlight in my face and said, "Excuse me, I noticed your exhaust is a bit loud." I turned to him and quickly explained that something small had fallen off the underskirts of my car a few days ago and that I hadn't been able to get it looked at yet. He then proceeded to ask for my license, registration, and proof of insurance. Unfortunately I had only one of three. I was surprised that I didn't have the updated insurance card, but even more surprised to hear that my license was suspended. After taking twenty minutes or so to fill out his little report in his car, he came back to my window and handed me a sheet of my offences and a court date. I don't think that there was a ticket, but I could be wrong; that's the last thing I need right now. He briefly described the court date and that I could be arrested if I was caught driving again. He said he needed to keep my drivers license, and then left me stranded there. After he pulled away, I sat there for a second, picked up the movies, and walked into blockbuster as if nothing happened. I had just been there the previous night so I already knew what I wanted, but I decided to walk around the perimeter anyway to pick out movies for next time. After checking out I walked back into the parking lot and laid my hands on top of my car for a couple minutes while scanning the parking lot and surrounding area. I must have seen three or four cops in and out of the lot, so I decided it was a bad idea to risk driving back myself. I put my movies in the trunk since my car doors don't lock (yes, my car is that amazing) and headed to stop & shop to use one of their payphones. After wasting a buck trying to get a hold of my sister, I sat down on a ledge near the carriages outside of the grocery store and pondered some more, not only about my current situation but my life. If I smoked, this would have been the perfect time to pull out a cigarette. After a bit of thought I figured it couldn't hurt to just walk back since it's only a couple of miles or so. Getting stopped by the policeman only set the tone for what was yet to come.
8/28/2007
Do you belive in time travel?
What better time to watch Donnie Darko then at 3:00 a.m. when I am rolling around my bed reminiscing and unable to put myself to sleep. The music that plays during the ending credits reminded me of some of Danny Elfman's works, so I'm currently listening to the Edward Scissor Hands soundtrack, another great movie. I must admit I'm quite at ease now, although still unable to fall asleep.
It's a coincidence how my previous entry related to certain aspects of Donnie Darko, Jim Cunningham's unfounded teachings in particular.
To answer the question I asked in the blog title, yes I do, but only in forward time travel. Physics explains that if you can travel fast enough, time will pass more slowly than it does here on earth. I read Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time and I don't recall him talking about traveling back in time, but he does mention a lot about dimensions and portals. I could be wrong, it's been a little while since I finished it.
And finally, as Elfman's soothing sounds fill my ears, and take over my mind... I am finally able to sleep.
It's a coincidence how my previous entry related to certain aspects of Donnie Darko, Jim Cunningham's unfounded teachings in particular.
To answer the question I asked in the blog title, yes I do, but only in forward time travel. Physics explains that if you can travel fast enough, time will pass more slowly than it does here on earth. I read Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time and I don't recall him talking about traveling back in time, but he does mention a lot about dimensions and portals. I could be wrong, it's been a little while since I finished it.
And finally, as Elfman's soothing sounds fill my ears, and take over my mind... I am finally able to sleep.
8/25/2007
Practice Makes Pefect?
It's been a while my old friend. I'm not quite sure how to explain the gaps in my entries, as there are limitless things to talk about. I suppose it's because it takes me some time to compile a set of similar ideas to formulate a narrow topic. Recently I haven't been able to manage my time wisely, as so the separation of thoughts has been quite difficult. Also, I've been reading a book called Bag of Bones by Stephen King. The main character, a novelist by the name of Mike Noonan has been stricken with a case of writer's block. Every time he sits down to write, his body involuntarily rejects any attempt to write a single word. I suppose to a certain degree, I've been infected by the same thing Mike has. Although in my situation it is created by my own fear that what I write will make no sense, a failed attempt in communication if you will. Since this is my strongest way of communication, as well as a way of expressing myself, you can see how such a failure can be devastating. Hence practice I suppose.
This is what I hope to accomplish in the coming months. Will it pay off? I hope so.
This is what I hope to accomplish in the coming months. Will it pay off? I hope so.
5/20/2007
Foundation of Belief
This is an excerpt from an after thought from a conversation I had the other night. It turned out to be quite the rant. Here it is:
"I still have tonights conversation circulating in my mind so before any of it escapes I want to amend the various pieces of it that I feel didn't quite get through to you the way I would have hoped. As I probably told you before, it is very rare that I talk that much in one day. I'm going guess that I might have talked more today than I have in weeks. It has been like this my whole life; I've never been verbally articulate. In addition to this, it is very difficult for me to convey my thoughts without first writing them down, especially since I now have many more thoughts flowing than ever before. Not to mention how hard it is to define the bases for who I am, for it is something I struggle with every day. This daily struggle is what every scientist or philosopher deals with (or for that matter, any free thinking or rational human being). Like Einstien put it, "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day.". I am constantly questioning. From the time I roll out of bed in the morning, till the time I drift into my sanctuary of dreams, I am in a state of observance, questioning, and confirming and/or redefining. Now, from a scientific perspective, if a theory is proven wrong by another theory, it is replaced; this occurs much more often than you might think. Much like a theory, my beliefs are constantly being molded. It is not so cut and dry when it comes to what is true and what isn't. Tonight you might have caught me at a time this was actually happening, and so I didn't quite have a grasp on the redefined belief. Of course there could have been one or many, so you can imagine how these new beliefs can conflict with other ones, and so the redefining begins all over again. As you can see, I'm not one to believe something unless it makes sense to me and I have ample evidence.
So why the hell did I turn out like this? Who knows, I just did. The reason why I looked depressed tonight is because every time I drink and actually have a gap of time where I'm doing nothing but thinking, I revert back to the time I came to realization that I might never have a real strong connection with another person. Now I do realize that relationships take work, and as I said before, compromise. Everyone has a foundation of belief. They base all of their actions upon this foundation. Other beliefs form off of this foundation, and much like a tower of building blocks, if a belief in that original foundation is proven false, most of that tower comes toppling down. Imagine finding several holes, missing and/or cracked blocks, or just a tower made completely of imaginary play-doh in the multiple towers of belief a person might have. Now imagine looking around every single day and seeing there isn't a single person even close to having a strong foundation of blocks. As I said before, I am always changing my beliefs. All of these cracks and holes are the very theories that are proven false, and so they are replaced in my mind. So what I'm trying to say is that I find so many faults in the foundations of belief of so many people, I find it hard to relate to anyone. It is the foundation in which I need to relate to in order for that deep connection to exist. I'm not saying that two people can't be compatible if their foundations don't match up, because I know that it is very near impossible. What I'm saying is that my foundation looks like an orange nerf ball when compared with the average person's foundation which would look like a wooden cube, as to say they are very very different. You might be thinking, "how do you know that?". Well, sometimes I can tell right off the bat. For example when someone casually throws around the terms right and wrong; or even more instant when someone refers to god. I know automatically from just those few words that our foundations differ completely. To be more specific, when someone uses those words in a sincere way, their foundation is based on some sort of religion. I didn't label myself before, but I am what is called an atheist, which means a lack of belief in a deity.
It may not seem like it, but I am living the best life I can. If I were to make friends just for the sake of having friends, I wouldn't be any happier than I am now because I wouldn't agree with them on many things. Some of these things bother me so much, I can't even stand being around them.....which is why I tend to avoid most people."
So that's the bulk of it. It may seem like I am 100% sure that I am correct in my beliefs and there's no way I could be wrong, but that is not the case. I definitely could be wrong; I could be dead wrong. As I said, I'm sure part of my foundation of belief will be proven to be wrong, and at that time, it will be altered yet again. From all of the evidence and my understanding of that evidence, this is me and this is what I believe.
What it seems like to me is that most people have an unwaivering foundation of belief. They continue to learn new things, but these new things are only just plopped on top of their foundation, and they feel as if there is no reason for them to have any correlation whatsoever. Anyway, those are just my thoughts.
P.S. Being an excerpt, this rant may not make complete sense because it is a piece of a response that branched off a discussion. I'll probably give more specifics in future blogs.
"I still have tonights conversation circulating in my mind so before any of it escapes I want to amend the various pieces of it that I feel didn't quite get through to you the way I would have hoped. As I probably told you before, it is very rare that I talk that much in one day. I'm going guess that I might have talked more today than I have in weeks. It has been like this my whole life; I've never been verbally articulate. In addition to this, it is very difficult for me to convey my thoughts without first writing them down, especially since I now have many more thoughts flowing than ever before. Not to mention how hard it is to define the bases for who I am, for it is something I struggle with every day. This daily struggle is what every scientist or philosopher deals with (or for that matter, any free thinking or rational human being). Like Einstien put it, "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day.". I am constantly questioning. From the time I roll out of bed in the morning, till the time I drift into my sanctuary of dreams, I am in a state of observance, questioning, and confirming and/or redefining. Now, from a scientific perspective, if a theory is proven wrong by another theory, it is replaced; this occurs much more often than you might think. Much like a theory, my beliefs are constantly being molded. It is not so cut and dry when it comes to what is true and what isn't. Tonight you might have caught me at a time this was actually happening, and so I didn't quite have a grasp on the redefined belief. Of course there could have been one or many, so you can imagine how these new beliefs can conflict with other ones, and so the redefining begins all over again. As you can see, I'm not one to believe something unless it makes sense to me and I have ample evidence.
So why the hell did I turn out like this? Who knows, I just did. The reason why I looked depressed tonight is because every time I drink and actually have a gap of time where I'm doing nothing but thinking, I revert back to the time I came to realization that I might never have a real strong connection with another person. Now I do realize that relationships take work, and as I said before, compromise. Everyone has a foundation of belief. They base all of their actions upon this foundation. Other beliefs form off of this foundation, and much like a tower of building blocks, if a belief in that original foundation is proven false, most of that tower comes toppling down. Imagine finding several holes, missing and/or cracked blocks, or just a tower made completely of imaginary play-doh in the multiple towers of belief a person might have. Now imagine looking around every single day and seeing there isn't a single person even close to having a strong foundation of blocks. As I said before, I am always changing my beliefs. All of these cracks and holes are the very theories that are proven false, and so they are replaced in my mind. So what I'm trying to say is that I find so many faults in the foundations of belief of so many people, I find it hard to relate to anyone. It is the foundation in which I need to relate to in order for that deep connection to exist. I'm not saying that two people can't be compatible if their foundations don't match up, because I know that it is very near impossible. What I'm saying is that my foundation looks like an orange nerf ball when compared with the average person's foundation which would look like a wooden cube, as to say they are very very different. You might be thinking, "how do you know that?". Well, sometimes I can tell right off the bat. For example when someone casually throws around the terms right and wrong; or even more instant when someone refers to god. I know automatically from just those few words that our foundations differ completely. To be more specific, when someone uses those words in a sincere way, their foundation is based on some sort of religion. I didn't label myself before, but I am what is called an atheist, which means a lack of belief in a deity.
It may not seem like it, but I am living the best life I can. If I were to make friends just for the sake of having friends, I wouldn't be any happier than I am now because I wouldn't agree with them on many things. Some of these things bother me so much, I can't even stand being around them.....which is why I tend to avoid most people."
So that's the bulk of it. It may seem like I am 100% sure that I am correct in my beliefs and there's no way I could be wrong, but that is not the case. I definitely could be wrong; I could be dead wrong. As I said, I'm sure part of my foundation of belief will be proven to be wrong, and at that time, it will be altered yet again. From all of the evidence and my understanding of that evidence, this is me and this is what I believe.
What it seems like to me is that most people have an unwaivering foundation of belief. They continue to learn new things, but these new things are only just plopped on top of their foundation, and they feel as if there is no reason for them to have any correlation whatsoever. Anyway, those are just my thoughts.
P.S. Being an excerpt, this rant may not make complete sense because it is a piece of a response that branched off a discussion. I'll probably give more specifics in future blogs.
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