Foundation of Belief

This is an excerpt from an after thought from a conversation I had the other night. It turned out to be quite the rant. Here it is:

"I still have tonights conversation circulating in my mind so before any of it escapes I want to amend the various pieces of it that I feel didn't quite get through to you the way I would have hoped. As I probably told you before, it is very rare that I talk that much in one day. I'm going guess that I might have talked more today than I have in weeks. It has been like this my whole life; I've never been verbally articulate. In addition to this, it is very difficult for me to convey my thoughts without first writing them down, especially since I now have many more thoughts flowing than ever before. Not to mention how hard it is to define the bases for who I am, for it is something I struggle with every day. This daily struggle is what every scientist or philosopher deals with (or for that matter, any free thinking or rational human being). Like Einstien put it, "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day.". I am constantly questioning. From the time I roll out of bed in the morning, till the time I drift into my sanctuary of dreams, I am in a state of observance, questioning, and confirming and/or redefining. Now, from a scientific perspective, if a theory is proven wrong by another theory, it is replaced; this occurs much more often than you might think. Much like a theory, my beliefs are constantly being molded. It is not so cut and dry when it comes to what is true and what isn't. Tonight you might have caught me at a time this was actually happening, and so I didn't quite have a grasp on the redefined belief. Of course there could have been one or many, so you can imagine how these new beliefs can conflict with other ones, and so the redefining begins all over again. As you can see, I'm not one to believe something unless it makes sense to me and I have ample evidence.

So why the hell did I turn out like this? Who knows, I just did. The reason why I looked depressed tonight is because every time I drink and actually have a gap of time where I'm doing nothing but thinking, I revert back to the time I came to realization that I might never have a real strong connection with another person. Now I do realize that relationships take work, and as I said before, compromise. Everyone has a foundation of belief. They base all of their actions upon this foundation. Other beliefs form off of this foundation, and much like a tower of building blocks, if a belief in that original foundation is proven false, most of that tower comes toppling down. Imagine finding several holes, missing and/or cracked blocks, or just a tower made completely of imaginary play-doh in the multiple towers of belief a person might have. Now imagine looking around every single day and seeing there isn't a single person even close to having a strong foundation of blocks. As I said before, I am always changing my beliefs. All of these cracks and holes are the very theories that are proven false, and so they are replaced in my mind. So what I'm trying to say is that I find so many faults in the foundations of belief of so many people, I find it hard to relate to anyone. It is the foundation in which I need to relate to in order for that deep connection to exist. I'm not saying that two people can't be compatible if their foundations don't match up, because I know that it is very near impossible. What I'm saying is that my foundation looks like an orange nerf ball when compared with the average person's foundation which would look like a wooden cube, as to say they are very very different. You might be thinking, "how do you know that?". Well, sometimes I can tell right off the bat. For example when someone casually throws around the terms right and wrong; or even more instant when someone refers to god. I know automatically from just those few words that our foundations differ completely. To be more specific, when someone uses those words in a sincere way, their foundation is based on some sort of religion. I didn't label myself before, but I am what is called an atheist, which means a lack of belief in a deity.

It may not seem like it, but I am living the best life I can. If I were to make friends just for the sake of having friends, I wouldn't be any happier than I am now because I wouldn't agree with them on many things. Some of these things bother me so much, I can't even stand being around them.....which is why I tend to avoid most people."

So that's the bulk of it. It may seem like I am 100% sure that I am correct in my beliefs and there's no way I could be wrong, but that is not the case. I definitely could be wrong; I could be dead wrong. As I said, I'm sure part of my foundation of belief will be proven to be wrong, and at that time, it will be altered yet again. From all of the evidence and my understanding of that evidence, this is me and this is what I believe.

What it seems like to me is that most people have an unwaivering foundation of belief. They continue to learn new things, but these new things are only just plopped on top of their foundation, and they feel as if there is no reason for them to have any correlation whatsoever. Anyway, those are just my thoughts.

P.S. Being an excerpt, this rant may not make complete sense because it is a piece of a response that branched off a discussion. I'll probably give more specifics in future blogs.