12/20/2007

Beauty & Attraction

I do believe I have brought this topic up before, but it is something that irks me to no end. It is one of the key reasons that I may be forever single, among many others. The topics at hand here are looks and attraction. Recently I've been around more people, mainly because of my job, the general pubic to be more specific, and so this forces me into thinking about it more often. Not so much putting more thought into it, but instead mulling over it more often. Circling around in my mind, annoying the hell out of me, like that girl at that concert who keeps whipping you in the face with her long hair every time she turns her head. I suppose that's not exactly the right reference, since the feeling is completely different. A better one would be: after eating a full satisfying meal, thinking about how there's probably a small child out there somewhere in the world starving to death. That sort of morose feeling some people get, that's the one. Actually, it's more of a cynical feeling.... a wow this world if fucked up feeling. But then I think, who I am I say such a thing? Who am I to say the way things should and shouldn't be. I find it odd though because I'm probably one of the most apathetic people in the world. Why do I care about such things? Why do I let them bother me? And I think I just thought of the answer to my own question: because I am a part of it; the same thing is being done to me and I don't like it. I don't like it because it isn't fair. If there's one thing I believe the world should be, it would be fair. I believe this world should be fair. Unfortunately it is not, and unfortunately I am confusing myself.

Okay, scenario time. I encounter many people during the day, it's part of my job. I encounter many women during the day, many good looking, many not so good looking. I'm normally attracted to the good looking ones, I won't lie, it's human nature, something I can't help. Of course this is just physical attraction I'm talking about. My male coworkers for example tend to flirt with the more attractive girls. I look at them and shake my head. Why exactly do the better looking girls deserve more attention from you than the less attractive ones? How do you think the girl second or third line feels when she gets to your register and you neglect to give her as much attention as you gave the better looking one earlier? I have the same feelings as my coworkers but I do not act on them. Whenever a good looking girl comes up to my register I freeze up, my throat becomes dry as I swallow hard, and think about things twice before anything stupid comes out of my mouth. But I don't flirt. I don't act on that attraction because I know it is only a physical attraction and also for that reason I stated before. After that short interaction with that beautiful girl and my head in the clouds, I come back down to earth and feel resentment toward how I felt, even though I didn't act on it. Then I start feeling bad because I wouldn't have had these feelings with lesser attractive girl. I don't just do this at work, I do this every time I'm around people. And it is for this reason why I neglect to act, period. I won't flirt with the "ugly" one because they just aren't pleasant to look at, and I won't flirt with the "pretty" one because it isn't fair to the "ugly" one. And so I am at a stalemate with myself because of my "values" if you will.

Now, I absolutely hate the words: pretty, ugly, beautiful, etc; I avoid using them whenever possible. It is for the reason I stated previously, because of the repercussion that it causes. Of course people aren't divided into the pretty and ugly, and also as my last fortune cookie stated "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I'm also not saying that I would never be interested in someone whom I considered bad looking. All am I'm saying is that the more of a physical attraction I have, the stronger the urge; and well I'm sure this applies to everyone. What I am interested in is what's within this often misleading cover. The problem is getting at that substance.

9/26/2007

To Each His (Or Her) Own

Yet another bizarre night in the life of "he who must not be named". I'm in my pajamas on my bed browsing the Internet at around 10:30 p.m. when I get asked to accompany my aunt to the casino. Not wanting to pass up another random adventure, I said yes. I brought up the fact that I didn't have an I.D. but she said it probably wouldn't be a problem. To my surprise and relief, it wasn't. We just walked right in. After dropping me off at my requested destination: the bar, she left me for the blackjack tables.

Like all bars I've been to, there was only sports playing on all of their displays. I had a quick drink and then decided to tour the place. I walked around, but not too far from where I was. I weaved in and out of isles of slots, wandered over to the blackjack tables, and like a magnet I was pulled back to the bar. Unfortunately when I got back, it was past a certain time they served alcohol, so I sampled some of the food they had on display and asked for a soda instead. After that I separated myself from the bar, took a seat on a comfy couch in the same vicinity, and pulled out the book that I brought with me: The God Delusion.

A waitress came over to where I was sitting and asked if I wanted anything to drink. For some odd reason, I asked for cranberry juice. I have absolutely no idea why I asked for cranberry juice. Out of everything I could have possibly asked for to drink, cranberry juice would usually be my last choice. I didn't even hesitate, nor did I take back the order. It turned out to be the best cranberry juice I've ever tasted. And yes, I will be dreaming about cranberry juice tonight.

Anyway, when the waitress dropped off my drink she inquired about the book I was reading. I told her it was the author's take on religion in general. She then asked me what my religion was and I told her that I was an atheist. She then leaned over and sort of whispered, "As an atheist, how do you explain how this fucked up world is holding itself together?". As she stood up, I smiled at her, shook my head, and said, "I have no idea". Being the playful, curious person she was, she asked me if I'd be willing to attend church with her. "Well, I, uh", was what followed. I wasn't sure if she was being literal or not, and having an open mind like I do I didn't want just say no. Looking like she had just made me feel uncomfortable, she started to walk away. I quickly blurted out, "what church?". She turned around and came back over to my table and sat down this time across from me.

She explained how she was raised a Christian and continued to tell a story about how she was very sick at a young age and how praying and attending church help her get better. "The doctors has no clue what was wrong with me". This kind of reminded me of those church channels you flip by when you're looking for something to watch on tv. A televised church service in this huge cathedral packed to the max, of an old lady in a wheelchair who when is touched by the sermon, is miraculously cured and is able to stand and walk around. I don't believe she was lying to me; she seemed sincere enough. I didn't quite feel like getting into the whole religious debate, so I just sat there and said, "wow". I mean, what else could I have said? Seeing how the conversation didn't seem to be progressing, she ended it with, "well, to each his own I guess". "That's right", I said and she got up and walked away.

There were a number of reasons why I didn't continue the conversation. One being that she probably had to get back to her job. If she was just a guest at the casino, I might have talked a bit more with her, although I'm not sure where it would go. Being a skeptic, I might have addressed the health issue. It's not uncommon that illnesses go undiagnosed. From what I know, many of them turn out to be mental illnesses that the patient both creates and cures themselves over time. I also probably would have said that just one unexplainable phenomenon isn't enough to prove the existence of a god. But who knows how she might have responded.

In the end I'm glad it ended the way it did. To each his own, believe what you want to believe.

9/25/2007

Perforated Connections

It's nearing 3:00 a.m. I'm cuddled up in the corner of my full sized bed, pondering as usual. Tonight about emptiness. About perforated notebook paper, chain links, and atoms made up of mostly empty space. All held together, but not without vast emptiness.

And I'm wondering. What exactly is this void? Why does it exist? Can it be filled?

If there's any hope for me, I have to find these answers.

9/22/2007

Hey, Good Lookin'

Almost every story I've come across whether it be a book or a movie in which there is romance involved, there is always some sort of mention of good looks. For me, this detracts from the story; I mean, is it really necessary? What it seems to suggest is that if these good looks weren't present, the attraction wouldn't exist in full. And even though I seem to be contradicting myself due to my last post, I really would like to see the mention of such a thing omitted from such works.

That is all.

9/12/2007

"You're so cute"

On one of my several mile walks home in the past week, I received a compliment that I thought about for the rest of the day. I was crossing the street while looking left to see any oncoming traffic. Halfway to the other side I caught a glimpse of a woman in her early 30's or so in an suv coming up on my left. As she passed me, she shouted out, "you're so cute". I whipped my head to right and watched as she drove away. I stood there for a minute somewhat perplexed. My first thought was, "I wish that were true". I wondered if she was telling the truth or not. It didn't sound to me like she was being sarcastic, but who knows.

A bit later, I took back that first thought. I didn't wish it were true. I don't care if it's true or not. Then I thought, "Is it safe to say that I don't care about my looks?". I suppose it is to a certain extent. I just spent thousands of dollars to straighten out my teeth, so obviously it isn't true that I don't care about what I look like. It's one of those things you think about every day, every time you look into the mirror. "What would my life be like if I were more attractive?". "With my current state of mind, would I even want to be more attractive?".

It's a tough decision no matter which way I look at it. I remember in the movie, A Knight's Tale, a bishop told one of the main characters that it was a curse to have good looks. Although I wouldn't use the word "curse", I would have to somewhat agree with the statement. For an extremely attractive person, I would imagine that it would be pretty difficult to differentiate between superficial people and those who couldn't care less about appearance. For me, that would be a big problem. I could be wrong, but the way I see it, the "uglier" you are the easier it is to see this distinction.

Unfortunately in this world, looks matter. I won't deny it, they matter to me as well, but they aren't paramount. I've beaten myself up over this many times for seeking and idolizing 'beautiful' people, but I've learned that it's just human instinct. It just can't be helped. It is for this reason that I keep up my appearance. On a scale from one to ten, I'd rate myself in the area from five to seven, average I suppose, and I'm content with that.

9/03/2007

One for the Record, part 5

Believe it or not this is the final part... I know it's sad; my night was finally coming to an end....but not without a finale! I had about a mile or so to go from the bar and I was totally up for the walk. Actually at the time, I probably wouldn't have minded if I had another five miles to go.

I was flying high, skipping and doing cartwheels down the sidewalk on my way home. Actually, that's lie...although something similar was going on in my head. Still on main street, my old elementary school was coming up on my left and the church where I used to attend catechism was down the street to the right. I also remembered that I had a cousin who lived near the church whom I haven't seen in a few years. She was a night owl like I am, so since it wasn't out of the way, my semi drunk self waddled down the right street for a late night visit.

Her porch light was on which made it easy to spot, but her car wasn't there. As I approached her driveway, a small white car pulled in. I didn't stop walking, but I slowed my pace so that I could see who it was. I was a bit past her driveway at this point, but I still couldn't tell who it was so I stopped. It was neither of her parents, so I gave it a chance and called out her name. She looked around and I could tell it was her, so I quickly identified myself. "My long lost cousin!", she said as she walked over to give me a hug. I explained why I was randomly walking down her street in the middle of the night, then she offered me a ride home. Of course, I took her up on that.

Turns out she got a new car since the last time I saw her. We both kept laughing at the strange coincidence that we were in the same spot at the same time. If either of us were twenty seconds off, we wouldn't have ran into each other. Not knowing what kind of car she now had, I wouldn't have guessed she was home if I had gotten there just a tad later....likewise I would have completely missed her if hadn't taken all of my random detours.

I invited her in to chat a bit when we arrived at my house, so she came in. We were a tad loud and I didn't want to wake anyone up, so I gave my sister a call at her new apartment to see if we could all visit and catch up a bit. Naturally, she was also up and about...it seems to run in the family. She said sure, so we hopped back in her car and drove over to her place. We didn't stay long, but it was nice to catch up and reconnect. After about an hour, we said our goodbyes.

All in all, an extremely interesting night.Interesting enough for me to write all about it, spanning out to five parts! As of now I still don't know why my license got suspended. I have a court date on September 10th, so hopefully I find out then. I took my car to a garage the next day and got an estimate of much more than I'm willing to spend at the moment to fix the exhaust system. For now I'm just going to buy some muffler patch and hopefully that'll smother the sound for now.

This will probably be it for my storytelling for a while, unless I get lucky enough to experience something similar. I suppose it's all up to me! Well, we'll see.

9/02/2007

One for the Record, Part 4

Now I'm not sure if we really shared the same name or not; perhaps she just said that so I'd give her a big tip. Nonetheless, I was able to order some drinks.

That first Sam Adams was highly satisfying so I had to order another one. While I drank, my attention switched between the tv across the bar and a conversation being had by a man and woman four stools to the left of me. Out of the twenty minutes or so that I sat there, I didn't hear the man say one word; I suppose that's typical though. She was describing the end of her marriage of 15 or so years and the ever so common struggle thereafter. It was sort of like watching an episode of Maury, except the host wasn't saying anything, so I lost interest pretty quickly.

The beers were indeed yummy, but they weren't doing much damage so I ordered something with a bit more kick. The only thing that I could think of that wasn't too fancy was a long island iced tea, so that's what I asked for. It certainly did the trick. I felt my spirits rise as I started to laugh about the events so far that night. I wanted it to last my full walk home, so I decided to leave. I took a quick trip to their restroom that didn't lock, said goodnight and thanks so the bartender, and left the bar with a smirk.

9/01/2007

One for the Record, Part 3

It isn't uncommon that I randomly imagine my demise, so I wasn't phased much. At this point it was around 11:30 p.m. and I was about one fourth of the way there.

I was nearing my old neighborhood so I decided to take a small detour to check out the house I lived in for six years. The house itself looked exactly the same, it was still tan with green shutters. The garage even still had the attached basketball hoop that seemed to be hanging by a thread the last time I was there. I moved in for a closer look but as I got the base of the driveway a spotlight came on so I decided it best to keep moving, especially since I could hear conversation across the street. As I walked, I imagined how funny it would be if they called the cops on me. I made a complete circle around the neighborhood back to main street attaching names of old friends to houses as I went. A little further down main street I noticed a small bar on the corner of a miniature one floor office building. Considering how I wasn't in any rush and in dire need of a drink, I decided to check the place out.

Not wanting to awkwardly roam around, I took the first stool I saw at the bar. It was indeed a small place. There were around 15 stools around the oval shaped bar which sort of hugged the wall on the right when you walked in. They had two small tv's hung up on the walls with major league baseball playing on both. On opposite sides of the room were a pool table and a jukebox. The pool table was closer to the bar while a small dining area of a couple booths and several tables accompanied the jukebox. There were about ten people there when I entered. Four people at the bar itself, three playing pool, and three standing near one of the tv's with beers in their hands watching the game. They were all guys except one. From where I was sitting I'd say their ages ranged from thirty to fifty. As I was looking at the closest tv trying to determine who was playing I heard a female ask me for an ID. I turned my head back to the bar and got my first look at the bartender. I suppose she was in her mid 30's. She had shoulder length blonde hair with that wet look to it, a pink t-shirt, and pretty night jeans. She wasn't too bad looking, although nothing spectacular. I rummaged through my pockets and pulled out my wallet. As soon as I opened it I remembered the cop had taken my license. I quickly explained my situation while shuffling through my wallet. I threw my student ID up on the counter hoping it had my date of birth on it while I continued my search. Library card, debit cards, insurance cards, nothing had my date of birth. I looked up at her and said I was sorry just after finishing my story. I pulled the movies out of my pocket to prove that at least part of my story was true, although not the important part. Looking up from my student ID, she asked me my first name. After my response, she held out her hand as to shake mine and as we shook she told me we shared the same name. "Nice to meet you, what can I get for you", was what she said next. I thanked her and asked for a Sam Adams.

8/31/2007

One for the Record, Part 2

Since my car doors don't lock, I shoved the movies in my cargo pockets and headed off down the sidewalk toward main street. On my way to the junction, I passed a jogger and some creepy guy standing beside a tree in front of an abandoned office building. After taking a left at the intersection I attempted to buy an icecream sundae in McDonald's drive-through. Unfortunately I was denied service because I wasn't in a car :( A little further down main street I stopped in a gas station and decided to try one of their new energy drinks. I picked a grape flavored one with a skull on the front of the can; I don't remember the brand it was. I continued drinking while I walked. About a quarter mile down from McDonalds I came to a an underpass. Being covered in shadow, I was slightly hesitant in walking though to the other side but continued anyway. About halfway through I glanced up at the slanted walls on either side that led up to the base of the bridge and saw nothing there. A second after I turned my head back to where I was walking, I blinked. The moment my eyes closed, a violent scene shot through my head. I imagined a dark figure descend from where I just looked, stab me the stomach with a dagger of some sort, and run off into the distance with my wallet. I slouched to the ground clutching my stomach and with blood trickling out of my mouth I just lay there helpless as my vision blurred into nothingness. I stopped dead in my tracks and opened my eyes as goosebumps trailed down my back. I quickly looked around again, straightened up, took a deep breath, and continued my long walk home.

One for the Record, Part I

So tonight had to be one of the strangest nights of my life. Side note* I just recently moved back to the town I went to high school in to live with my grandparents for a semester. It all started at about 9:30 when I decided to go rent some movies at blockbuster. Dunkin' Donuts is on the way so I decided to go visit my sister at work before they closed the lobby. The visit lasted about 10 minutes or so, and then I was off to the video store. In the half mile or so before I got there, I noticed a cop who started to follow me. I didn't think anything of it at first, but then he followed me into the parking lot. After I parked I casually got out of my car with the dvds I was returning, and before I could take a second step he shined his flashlight in my face and said, "Excuse me, I noticed your exhaust is a bit loud." I turned to him and quickly explained that something small had fallen off the underskirts of my car a few days ago and that I hadn't been able to get it looked at yet. He then proceeded to ask for my license, registration, and proof of insurance. Unfortunately I had only one of three. I was surprised that I didn't have the updated insurance card, but even more surprised to hear that my license was suspended. After taking twenty minutes or so to fill out his little report in his car, he came back to my window and handed me a sheet of my offences and a court date. I don't think that there was a ticket, but I could be wrong; that's the last thing I need right now. He briefly described the court date and that I could be arrested if I was caught driving again. He said he needed to keep my drivers license, and then left me stranded there. After he pulled away, I sat there for a second, picked up the movies, and walked into blockbuster as if nothing happened. I had just been there the previous night so I already knew what I wanted, but I decided to walk around the perimeter anyway to pick out movies for next time. After checking out I walked back into the parking lot and laid my hands on top of my car for a couple minutes while scanning the parking lot and surrounding area. I must have seen three or four cops in and out of the lot, so I decided it was a bad idea to risk driving back myself. I put my movies in the trunk since my car doors don't lock (yes, my car is that amazing) and headed to stop & shop to use one of their payphones. After wasting a buck trying to get a hold of my sister, I sat down on a ledge near the carriages outside of the grocery store and pondered some more, not only about my current situation but my life. If I smoked, this would have been the perfect time to pull out a cigarette. After a bit of thought I figured it couldn't hurt to just walk back since it's only a couple of miles or so. Getting stopped by the policeman only set the tone for what was yet to come.

8/28/2007

Do you belive in time travel?

What better time to watch Donnie Darko then at 3:00 a.m. when I am rolling around my bed reminiscing and unable to put myself to sleep. The music that plays during the ending credits reminded me of some of Danny Elfman's works, so I'm currently listening to the Edward Scissor Hands soundtrack, another great movie. I must admit I'm quite at ease now, although still unable to fall asleep.

It's a coincidence how my previous entry related to certain aspects of Donnie Darko, Jim Cunningham's unfounded teachings in particular.

To answer the question I asked in the blog title, yes I do, but only in forward time travel. Physics explains that if you can travel fast enough, time will pass more slowly than it does here on earth. I read Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time and I don't recall him talking about traveling back in time, but he does mention a lot about dimensions and portals. I could be wrong, it's been a little while since I finished it.

And finally, as Elfman's soothing sounds fill my ears, and take over my mind... I am finally able to sleep.

8/25/2007

Practice Makes Pefect?

It's been a while my old friend. I'm not quite sure how to explain the gaps in my entries, as there are limitless things to talk about. I suppose it's because it takes me some time to compile a set of similar ideas to formulate a narrow topic. Recently I haven't been able to manage my time wisely, as so the separation of thoughts has been quite difficult. Also, I've been reading a book called Bag of Bones by Stephen King. The main character, a novelist by the name of Mike Noonan has been stricken with a case of writer's block. Every time he sits down to write, his body involuntarily rejects any attempt to write a single word. I suppose to a certain degree, I've been infected by the same thing Mike has. Although in my situation it is created by my own fear that what I write will make no sense, a failed attempt in communication if you will. Since this is my strongest way of communication, as well as a way of expressing myself, you can see how such a failure can be devastating. Hence practice I suppose.

This is what I hope to accomplish in the coming months. Will it pay off? I hope so.

5/20/2007

Foundation of Belief

This is an excerpt from an after thought from a conversation I had the other night. It turned out to be quite the rant. Here it is:

"I still have tonights conversation circulating in my mind so before any of it escapes I want to amend the various pieces of it that I feel didn't quite get through to you the way I would have hoped. As I probably told you before, it is very rare that I talk that much in one day. I'm going guess that I might have talked more today than I have in weeks. It has been like this my whole life; I've never been verbally articulate. In addition to this, it is very difficult for me to convey my thoughts without first writing them down, especially since I now have many more thoughts flowing than ever before. Not to mention how hard it is to define the bases for who I am, for it is something I struggle with every day. This daily struggle is what every scientist or philosopher deals with (or for that matter, any free thinking or rational human being). Like Einstien put it, "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day.". I am constantly questioning. From the time I roll out of bed in the morning, till the time I drift into my sanctuary of dreams, I am in a state of observance, questioning, and confirming and/or redefining. Now, from a scientific perspective, if a theory is proven wrong by another theory, it is replaced; this occurs much more often than you might think. Much like a theory, my beliefs are constantly being molded. It is not so cut and dry when it comes to what is true and what isn't. Tonight you might have caught me at a time this was actually happening, and so I didn't quite have a grasp on the redefined belief. Of course there could have been one or many, so you can imagine how these new beliefs can conflict with other ones, and so the redefining begins all over again. As you can see, I'm not one to believe something unless it makes sense to me and I have ample evidence.

So why the hell did I turn out like this? Who knows, I just did. The reason why I looked depressed tonight is because every time I drink and actually have a gap of time where I'm doing nothing but thinking, I revert back to the time I came to realization that I might never have a real strong connection with another person. Now I do realize that relationships take work, and as I said before, compromise. Everyone has a foundation of belief. They base all of their actions upon this foundation. Other beliefs form off of this foundation, and much like a tower of building blocks, if a belief in that original foundation is proven false, most of that tower comes toppling down. Imagine finding several holes, missing and/or cracked blocks, or just a tower made completely of imaginary play-doh in the multiple towers of belief a person might have. Now imagine looking around every single day and seeing there isn't a single person even close to having a strong foundation of blocks. As I said before, I am always changing my beliefs. All of these cracks and holes are the very theories that are proven false, and so they are replaced in my mind. So what I'm trying to say is that I find so many faults in the foundations of belief of so many people, I find it hard to relate to anyone. It is the foundation in which I need to relate to in order for that deep connection to exist. I'm not saying that two people can't be compatible if their foundations don't match up, because I know that it is very near impossible. What I'm saying is that my foundation looks like an orange nerf ball when compared with the average person's foundation which would look like a wooden cube, as to say they are very very different. You might be thinking, "how do you know that?". Well, sometimes I can tell right off the bat. For example when someone casually throws around the terms right and wrong; or even more instant when someone refers to god. I know automatically from just those few words that our foundations differ completely. To be more specific, when someone uses those words in a sincere way, their foundation is based on some sort of religion. I didn't label myself before, but I am what is called an atheist, which means a lack of belief in a deity.

It may not seem like it, but I am living the best life I can. If I were to make friends just for the sake of having friends, I wouldn't be any happier than I am now because I wouldn't agree with them on many things. Some of these things bother me so much, I can't even stand being around them.....which is why I tend to avoid most people."

So that's the bulk of it. It may seem like I am 100% sure that I am correct in my beliefs and there's no way I could be wrong, but that is not the case. I definitely could be wrong; I could be dead wrong. As I said, I'm sure part of my foundation of belief will be proven to be wrong, and at that time, it will be altered yet again. From all of the evidence and my understanding of that evidence, this is me and this is what I believe.

What it seems like to me is that most people have an unwaivering foundation of belief. They continue to learn new things, but these new things are only just plopped on top of their foundation, and they feel as if there is no reason for them to have any correlation whatsoever. Anyway, those are just my thoughts.

P.S. Being an excerpt, this rant may not make complete sense because it is a piece of a response that branched off a discussion. I'll probably give more specifics in future blogs.

4/21/2007

Youtube Addiction

Most of my online activity is basically limited to about five websites. There's yahoo for email, myspace for keeping in contact with family and "friends" not to mention my hopes of meeting decent people(yes I know I'm pathetic), bbc for the news, lifehacker for neat and random reviews, and most recent: youtube. In a previous blog I brought up a topic addressed by Brett Keane on youtube. From here on I'll probably be doing a lot more of that.

For those of you who don't know, there's a lot going on at youtube. It's filled with much more than just random idiotically entertaining videos. Believe it or not, it's quite a political and philosophical hotspot. But for some reason youtube doesn't allow text comments longer than about 100 characters, which is really strange; text doesn't require much storage at all. So I either have to start making videos or write about them here. Since I'm a bit deficient in the oral articulation department, I'll stick with text blogging for now. Youtube seems like the most popular medium for communication right now so I should probably start practicing.

4/20/2007

Tsuda Masami

"Tsuda is a person who does everything slowly. From getting up to dusk, he will just sit there and veg out. He not only works very slowly, but also loves to sleep, so he can't catch up. In the world there are people who travel, go to concerts, and do other things. It's incredible."

- Tsuda Masami

Just a side quote from a manga I've been reading called Kareshi Kanojo or Kare Kano for short. Actually I've been reading the manga and watching the anime simultaneously. It's decent, I enjoy it, but it's clearly geared for the younger audience as it's about high school love, something I've never known.

4/07/2007

Rhetoric

A midnight blog! This is rare. I usually only write during early hours of the morning when I cannot sleep. Also, today is Friday; most of my posts occur as a result of stress during the week. Anyway, there are a couple things I'd like to talk about, but I guess I'll split them up.

Actually my thoughts are very scattered right now. I just wanted to write something.

My thoughts are circular and random. Much like spinning the dials on a combination lock, I must pluck my thoughts out at a certain moment in order for them to make sense. I wish they were divided into individual rings, but unfortunately they make up a large chaotic sphere. But of course in the end, the outcome is likely to only make sense to me. Please, if you are reading this, make an effort to prove me wrong.

3/30/2007

Morality

A while back I saw a video on youtube by Brett Keen about morality. The topic was: "Can atheists be moral?" In his video he explained how atheists could be moral people. Going back to the definition of atheism, it's only an individual who lacks the believe in a deity.

What the question should be is: "can an atheist have a belief system?". Religion is just that, a belief system with some sort of "god/s" at the center. So, if atheism is only the lack of belief for a certain belief system, why can't they have some different belief system?

Addressing the original question that Brett Keane discussed in his video, Atheists can be moral people. The moral "code" that they follow is in accordance with their belief system. What must be understood though is that people who follow a certain moral code do in fact have a belief system, whether they call it a religion or not.

So what about me? I consider myself an atheist, as well as an agnostic. What sets me apart from most is that I do not have a belief system. The words: right/wrong, good/evil mean nothing to me because they resulted from a religion and/or some other sort of belief system. I may coincidentally follow a moral lifestyle, but it is just that, a coincidence.

To further illustrate what I mean I'll give some examples. Let's seee....here's a simple one. To a religious person, it may be "wrong" or "immoral" to steal and so therefore they will not steal because of their belief system. I'll be truthful, I used to steal all the time. When I was in high school I stole a magazine from the local cvs every week or so. The only reason I stopped was because I was caught once. I became scared that I would be arrested, so I stopped stealing. Now I don't steal because I'm afraid I will go to jail, not because I believe it's immoral or wrong.

To society, I appear to be a moral person, but I'm actually not. I am not moral, but most of my actions are, according to the viewer with the belief system.

You may be thinking, "shut up with indication of the belief system". It's actually very important that I specify this. I'm probably just confusing you, so I won't explain why.

I think I'll end there. Comments are appreciated.

P.S. If you would like to view Brett Keane's videos you can find him on youtube or just by clicking here

Another blog about religion and such that I've been reading you can find here

3/28/2007

Miscommunication

Today, I came to the realization of the applications of miscommunication; how very often they occur and how catastrophic the results can be.

A small example is a button my mother gave me. It says "God doesn't believe in me either. Things even out." I first interpreted this as someone else also not believing in "me", because of the word "either". What I thought it meant was that since god and whoever looked at the button don't "believe" in the person who owns the button, things evened out in the sense that both views don't matter. As you might see, that doesn't make much sense. Later, I reworded it so that it made sense to me: "I don't believe in God. God doesn't believe in me. Things even out." That makes more sense than the original, but again doesn't make any sense at all because how is it possible to know if God doesn't believe in me? Also, if I don't believe in God, how the hell is he supposed to believe in anything if he doesn't exist in my mind?

Anyway, I concluded that it was just meant to be a funny atheist pin, which is appropriate for me. But I still believe that having the word "either" included makes the message quite confusing. My above explanation probably makes no sense either, which leads to another theory: if you try to explain a miscommunication and you are part of that miscommunication, it will become ever more complicated.

This miscommunication, no matter how small, may lead to something as extreme as a war between two countries or something as trivial as a high school breakup. They exist everywhere and happen everyday and most go unnoticed. Which makes you think: how much do we really understand about each other?

3/27/2007

Me, Myself, & I

Hello folks! I'm going to make an effort to make a note here every day. They say you learn something new every day. That is exactly what I will post. So here I go.

Today I noticed......what did I notice again......hmmmmm... oh yeah....I noticed that....actually I'm not even sure what I noticed. More of the everyday observations that I make every day....without really learning anything. But there has to be something right? "Thinking of something extremely trivial"......hey! I noticed I can type much more efficiently with my nails cut short and filed. Yes, that's all.

Actually no, that's not all. There's something bigger that I did want to bring up, but I'm not exactly sure how to express it. Um ok...I don't generally like being involved with social activities. I'm just not the type. I guess I could have been the type. I suppose it all depends on your upbringing and atmosphere. I'm sure it's all very complicated how we all come to be. My sister and I for example are only two and half years apart in age and were brought up in the same house....for the most part and our personalities are completely different.

Anyway, I will stop that rant short; for there are an infinite number of reasons why we turn out the way we do. So what the hell am I trying to say? I'm eccentric. I'm sure I'm not the only own of my kind...I'm sure there are different variations and degrees of similarities, but I feel that I'm on of the furthest away what is considered "normal". Of course I don't know this for sure, I'm just basing it what I have observed thus far in my life.

I guess I should be more descriptive. I like being alone. I am more at ease when I'm by myself. I don't have to worry about anything....my looks, making a good impression, or entertaining anyone. I don't really care about that stuff anyway, but I like when it's absent altogether.

Besides that, I feel as if my view of the world is vastly different from everyone else's. I know that everyone perspective is different, which is why I included the word vast. I'm also aware that my perspective is the only one I have ever experienced. I say that mine is vastly different from everyone else's because of the comparisons I make between other people's actions and my own.

I can't really list all my evidence right now. I will leave this for later entries.

That's all for now.

3/26/2007

Ramble

So instead of having a point to a post, I'm just going to ramble tonight. Remember in your early high school english classes when you had to write in that little blue book for the first ten minutes of class? How many of your teachers actually told you to write "I do not know what to write" if you didn't know what to write about? So yes, this is one of those posts. I do not specifically know what to write about. I am back from spring break after a week straight of procrastination. My roommate asked me if I got any work done over break; this was of course a rhetorical question.

I am mainly writing because I am not tired, which is too bad considering my first class starts in let's see....six hours. My schedule gets pretty messed up when I don't have to be anywhere. This is because I only go to sleep when I am tired. I hate trying to force myself to sleep when I'm wide awake. I much prefer falling asleep within a few minutes, as apposed to hours. I suppose this is because I never mastered the art of putting myself to sleep, but I'm pretty sure it's something else.

I am rarely bored. I always find something to do with myself, something distracting. When trying to force myself to sleep, I become bored, and I start thinking. Then I drift into a melancholic river of memories. By distracting myself up until the point of passing out, I can avoid this feeling of sadness.

Whenever I have a silent moment, this sadness creeps back; I can't go a day without it slipping into my thoughts. It is at its worse when I must force myself to sleep.

I haven't had a ramble like this in a while.

Rambles are fun.

I like rambles.

I should do this more often.

Goodnight!

2/27/2007

Living on the Edge

In response to my last entry, which was an eternity ago, I came across a quote from the movie James Bond Die Another Day. I couldn't remember the exact wording, so I altered it a bit: By living on the edge, we know who we truly are.

I am still not living on the edge. Actually, I'm still still in the same boat. I have yet to take that leap. On top of that, I'm currently sampling a band called The Shins, which puts me in somewhat of a carefree mood.

I recently filled out a survey one of my sisters posted, and one of the questions asked : "what is one thing you want to happen in 2007?". My answer was the word "passion". As it may appear, I did not have a relationship in mind. I was thinking about my studies. One day I glanced down at my floor and noticed my textbooks haphazardly shoved underneath by bed. I pondered to myself, "If I am person of science, logic, and philosophy, why am I not treating these books as my bible?". I realized that I am not passionate about anything other than perhaps compulsive downloading.

I understand what needs to happen, yet I just sit back and apathetically bob my head to the sound of The Shins everyday.

What better song to hear now, Sleeping Lessons....at 3:00 a.m....while watching the snowflakes fall passed my window....so blissfully....wondering what tomorrow will bring....

Moving

 Trying out a different platform: https://museparade.wordpress.com/