Avoid car rides at all costs; cars are death mobiles… driving is one of the more dangerous things you can do!
Allow the experience of fresh air to be enjoyable and avoid the wind in your face because it is damn annoying!
When loved ones come home, always approach them and demand food and exactly 30 seconds of attention.
When it’s in your best interest, practice your pity meow.
Let others know they’ve invaded your territory by clawing the hell out of their hands.
Take long naps and stretch before rising; after rising, circle around the same spot about six times, and then take another nap.
Run, romp, play daily, and chew on all plastic bags in the house.
Eat slowly, loudly, and with your mouth open so that those who fed you are aware that it has been too long since they last fed you.
Be just loyal enough so that you keep getting fed.
Practice the art of pretending so that you can get what you want.
If you have what you want buried, leave it there for someone to clean up later.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, keep your distance and let them deal with their own issues.
Thrive on very short increments of attention and do not let people hug you – head pets and neck rubs only.
Avoid biting when a simple hiss will do, unless you can get away with it.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay on the highest branch of a shady tree so that you may keep track of your inferiors and feel important.
When you’re happy, run around the house like a lunatic, stopping once in a while to practice your ever menacing back arch and sideways hop.
No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout – run away and stay away from that unreasonable person…
Delight in the relaxing form of cat masturbation: kneading.