It's Okay To Be Different

Not many of my posts here contain pictures. Here's one with 3 pictures! I captured all of these over the past weekend in Boston. Unusual, but totally acceptable growth patterns. As said in Jurassic Park, "life finds a way". 

This first one is along the Emerald Necklace path, Boston. 

Baby tree decides, 'I want to be an 'S' when I grow up.'

Along a sidewalk in Jamaica Plain, Boston

'I'll just grow here, in this old dead stump... that okay with you?'

Found at one of the entrances that lead to Jamaica Pond in Jamaica Plain, Boston.

'Gravity is a pain... in the bark! That's okay, I've got this.' (FYI: perfectly healthy tree)

My White Privilege

I'm a 34 year old white man. I'm moderately successful and make a pretty decent salary. I worked hard to get where I am. Up until recently, it hadn't occurred to me that I have had a large advantage in life because of the color of my skin. 

Why did it take me so long to realize this? A lot of it has to do with recent events along with the Black Lives Matter movement. Part of the reason is because of my lack of understanding of history. In addition, even though I don't see racism on a day to day basis, it often happens behind the scenes.

Growing up I didn't have many friends. Maybe a handful here and there through grade school. Three of them were black. Actually, I think my very first friend was black. This was in Alaska. My father was in the army, so we did a fair amount of traveling. We eventually settled in New England, which is where most of our family was. 

Now in New England, I started elementary school at a mostly white school from grades 1-2. Then we moved again, but not far. Starting in third grade in a different elementary school, my best friend was black. His name was Marques. I'm not entirely sure how the relationship started. I was always very quiet and reserved. I think he's one of the only kids who would talk to me. Perhaps I was the only other kid who  would talk to him. He remained by best friend until middle school. We ate lunch and spent recess together. We even played baseball together on the same team for a season in Little League. 

I also had another (black) friend later on by the name of Jesse which began when I stood up for him on the school bus after school. Some other kids were teasing him. Jesse was the Steve Urkel type, so he was constantly being picked on. After elementary school ended, things changed. We were no longer in the same classroom and naturally grew apart. From middle school on, I was essentially a loner. I had a hard time making friends.  Marques and I interacted a little bit in Middle and High school, but not much. The last time I saw Marques was actually in College much later on. We randomly ran into each other and chatted very briefly and then went on with our lives. 

Later on in high school I had a few friends, one of which was my second cousin (half white/hispanic). Another was an Italian boy who lived down the street from me. I was sort of adopted into a small group of skateboarders, all of whom were white. We listened to bands like Slipknot and Rage Against the Machine. We did stupid and silly things around town like mimic the members of Jackass, driving each other in shopping carts and launching into big bushes. Even though I spent a significant amount of time with these kids, I never really felt close to them. There were never really any deep or meaningful conversations. I drifted away from these people as well eventually a few years after high school. 

Then in college, I settled on mathematics for my major. My classes were 95% white students and professors. I stumbled upon an engineering job after that. At the company, I could count the number of black employees on one hand. A good number of  Asian/Indian. Some hispanic. Mostly white. I would say, 85% white. The breakdown should reflect that of the state. See graph at top for state of CT where my company is. E.g. if my company had 100 employees, at least 11 of them (or more) should be black. 

I never thought twice about it. But, it's likely the case that I was given preference, not for my qualifications, but for my white skin. I have never seen this happen first-hand because I have never been in a management or HR position, but I'm convinced that this type of discrimination happens. And it's not just at work. It's anywhere I go. People will treat me better and show me more respect because I am white. That's a gigantic advantage in life to have. 

I never thought much about racism because I never experienced it. I never even witnessed it. My family, at least on the surface weren't visibly racist. I was raised to treat everyone with respect. I had several black friends growing up. My high school was at most 50% white. I grew up among a mixed bag of people. Little did I know that society viewed me as more valuable than my non-white classmates.

To be honest, I was never much interested in history growing up. I knew that human slaves existed and I knew slavery was abolished. Therefore, everything was fine. The playing field was now level. Right? WRONG. It never occured to me just how unfair things still were. And still are. It has never been a level and fair playing field. Part of the reason is because of unregulated capitalism throughout the world. Whites had a huge head start in terms of property and wealth. After slavery was abolished, the only people who were starting from the ground up were former slaves. With such a large head start, how would they ever be able catch up in society? It would be one thing if in addition to the abolishment of slavery, racism could be turned off like a light switch. Sadly that was not the case. BUT, even if it was the case and racism didn't exist, having to start at such a low level of society - and a capitalistic one at that, is an almost impossible hurdle.

White privilege has been ingrained in our society ever since europeans came to America. White settlers felt entitled to this land and stripped it away from the Native Americans. They felt superior to those who had a darker skin color. They completely took over the land, largely by force. Later on they purchased and brought slaves over to America and forced them to do their bidding, to allow the lives of White people to be cozy and comfortable. This sense of entitlement and privilege never faded away. Once the whites were in power, they hoarded that power. The whites had children and raised their children with the same values they had. In addition, these children inherited their parent's wealth. Being wealthy from the get go puts you in a different mindset from those who have to work hard to accumulate wealth. It makes you feel superior and entitled. Most wealthy folks are white, hence the white privilege gets perpetuated. 

I was recently called a racist. This came from a random email through my school email from another student. I was one of hundreds of graduate students she included in the email. She was on a mission, a tirade some would say. She was calling everyone a racist. What she really meant (in my view), was that we were all participants in a systematic racist country. I am not a racist, at least in the conventional definition of the word. However, I admit I am an unwitting participant in this systematic racist country. I have a privilege that I shouldn't have. Indeed, since I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem.

Society has been white-washed throughout the years, a sort of brainwashing in which I succumbed to. There used to be a song I used to hear all the time on the radio called, 'Fast Car' by Tracy Chapman. This was a fantastic song. It always drew me in and gave me chills. Just recently, in the year 2020 did I find out the artist is a black woman. I always assumed it was a white woman! I am so ashamed and embarrassed. Another band I used to listen to is Sevendust. I had no idea the lead singer was black! What is wrong with me? Why did I assume they were all white? Maybe it's because all the other bands I listened to had white-only members. But, I think there's a deeper underlying cause for my assumption - and that is systematic racism. 

Tracy Chapman - Fast Car: https://youtu.be/AIOAlaACuv4

Sevendust - Dirty: https://youtu.be/8avjkSoRSbk

Earth, Wind & Fire - September: https://youtu.be/Gs069dndIYk

Now that I'm finally aware of systematic racism and my privilege as a white person, I want to take action. The first thing I can and should do is further educate myself. Recently I watched a historic dramatization of the life of Harriet Tubman on HBO. INCREDIBLE. Blame it on my education. Blame it on my own self disinterest in history as an adolescent - I had no awareness of the struggles of black folks even after slavery was being outlawed. Harriet was a real-life angel on earth. She was the real Wonder Woman. 

I Am Not Your Negro (available on Netflix): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_Not_Your_Negro

Harriet (HBO): https://www.hbo.com/movies/harriet

I will read more content from black authors. Currently, I am reading "Go Tell It On The Mountain" by James Baldwin. 

I will vote for minorities and people who support minorities. I recently had the honor of voting for Ayanna Pressley in my district of Boston.

I will befriend and support minorities in my workplace.

I will seek out and support minority-owned small business.

I will call out my friends and family for any racist or insensitive comments or actions they make. 

I will do what I can to support the BLM movement: https://blacklivesmatter.com/

If I was a minority, I would want the majority to be aware of the discrimination and take steps to level the playing field. We're all humans. If you have any empathy whatsoever, you will join in the movement to help create a society where the color of your skin doesn't matter.

Additional media from the minority perspective:

https://muse-parade.blogspot.com/2019/08/the-hate-u-give-audiobook-review.html

https://muse-parade.blogspot.com/2019/04/becoming-audiobook-review.html

The Time We Have Left

Do you ever get the feeling you're about to die? Or going to die soon? Perhaps you think about doing it yourself, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm also not talking about having a terminal illness, having a gun pointed at your head, or being at an old enough age where you're likely to kick the bucket. It's a different, less severe, and humbling feeling. It's an odd, usually random, and fleeting feeling that something bad is going to happen. Something unexpected. Something tragic, yet bittersweet.

It's different than being in a near-miss (really, near-hit) car accident. It's different from the feeling you get when the airplane you're in experiences strong and sudden turbulence. It's not a feeling of panic. It's not that intense feeling of sadness you get when you think about death and how you don't want to die.

There could be nothing wrong in my life. I'll be driving down the road, usually a highway at night after rush hour, and this feeling hits me. I feel like my life is about to end. I think to myself what could cause it. Will there be a random drunk driver who drives me off the road? Am I going to experience a seizure and drive into a wall? Or maybe it'll happen after I get off  the road. Am I going to be mugged at gunpoint tonight? Will the gunner decide to kill me anyway, even after I handed them my wallet? 

Maybe it'll be something slower. Do I have cancer? I'm not experiencing any symptoms. Maybe it's something that will manifest itself in a way that is not noticeable, and by the time it's diagnosed, it'll be too late. If so, how much longer do I have left? Should I start getting my affairs in order?

I'm still young. Statistically, I still have about fifty years of life left. But, that's an average. I could be an outlier. Or simply, just on the lower part of the curve. With what's going on recently, you never know. I never used to have these feelings. They must have started a few years ago. I don't know if they are going to be temporary or recurring. 

But, I hope they don't go away. It's a sad feeling and a reminder of my eventual death, but it gives me motivation. Do what you can before your time is up. It's a reminder not to dwell on bad memories or regrets.

I have a fear of flying. Even though I don't show it, I'm nervous from the night before the flight to the point after landing. It's obvious by my overactive gut and bowel movements. But, after touching down I feel alive. I want to take on the world. Complete my goals. Live like there's no tomorrow. I used to wonder if there's a way to replicate this feeling even without flying. Maybe now, I have that. 

Lately I've been experiencing a slightly different feeling. It's not fleeting. It's more constant. I don't know if I'll shake the feeling or not. Hard to say. Maybe I don't want it to go away. I've had an incessant need to share and pass on my knowledge to the younger generation. I feel like if I don't share it soon, it'll be too late.

Some say it's good to feel frightened from time to time. Maybe this is why. If you live every day in a fog, like a zombie, you lose track of what's important. You lose sight of your limited time. 

I wish I could wake up every morning and feel like my plane just landed. I don't know yet how to mimic this feeling. I hope the feeling I have been experiencing lately doesn't fade away. Living in monotony is my worst nightmare. Life has a lot to offer. Sometimes you're limited by feelings from your past. Maybe it's psychological. Maybe it's stubbornness. 

Motivation is a funny thing. Sometimes it comes to you out of thin air. Most of the time I think it is random, but you may be able to increase the likelihood by making some changes in your life. Put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Do something that scares you. Heck, it could even be a little thing like trying a different kind of food or going for a walk a different path from what you're used to. They say, the human soul thrives on exploration.

I'm going to die, but I don't know when. I shouldn't dwell on that fact, but it's good to be reminded of my limited time. I want to experience life. I want to share what I learn and discover. It's a miracle I exist in the first place. Why would I waste my limited time by thinking about my painful past? Why would I constantly do things I don't want to do? It's my life and I only have small amount of time. Then, I'm gone for good.

I'm thinking I'll change my alarm clock sound on my phone to to the sound of a jet engine coming in for a landing. Maybe that'll help induce this feeling of being alive. Really, alive.