Beauty & Attraction

I do believe I have brought this topic up before, but it is something that irks me to no end. It is one of the key reasons that I may be forever single, among many others. The topics at hand here are looks and attraction. Recently I've been around more people, mainly because of my job, the general pubic to be more specific, and so this forces me into thinking about it more often. Not so much putting more thought into it, but instead mulling over it more often. Circling around in my mind, annoying the hell out of me, like that girl at that concert who keeps whipping you in the face with her long hair every time she turns her head. I suppose that's not exactly the right reference, since the feeling is completely different. A better one would be: after eating a full satisfying meal, thinking about how there's probably a small child out there somewhere in the world starving to death. That sort of morose feeling some people get, that's the one. Actually, it's more of a cynical feeling.... a wow this world if fucked up feeling. But then I think, who I am I say such a thing? Who am I to say the way things should and shouldn't be. I find it odd though because I'm probably one of the most apathetic people in the world. Why do I care about such things? Why do I let them bother me? And I think I just thought of the answer to my own question: because I am a part of it; the same thing is being done to me and I don't like it. I don't like it because it isn't fair. If there's one thing I believe the world should be, it would be fair. I believe this world should be fair. Unfortunately it is not, and unfortunately I am confusing myself.

Okay, scenario time. I encounter many people during the day, it's part of my job. I encounter many women during the day, many good looking, many not so good looking. I'm normally attracted to the good looking ones, I won't lie, it's human nature, something I can't help. Of course this is just physical attraction I'm talking about. My male coworkers for example tend to flirt with the more attractive girls. I look at them and shake my head. Why exactly do the better looking girls deserve more attention from you than the less attractive ones? How do you think the girl second or third line feels when she gets to your register and you neglect to give her as much attention as you gave the better looking one earlier? I have the same feelings as my coworkers but I do not act on them. Whenever a good looking girl comes up to my register I freeze up, my throat becomes dry as I swallow hard, and think about things twice before anything stupid comes out of my mouth. But I don't flirt. I don't act on that attraction because I know it is only a physical attraction and also for that reason I stated before. After that short interaction with that beautiful girl and my head in the clouds, I come back down to earth and feel resentment toward how I felt, even though I didn't act on it. Then I start feeling bad because I wouldn't have had these feelings with lesser attractive girl. I don't just do this at work, I do this every time I'm around people. And it is for this reason why I neglect to act, period. I won't flirt with the "ugly" one because they just aren't pleasant to look at, and I won't flirt with the "pretty" one because it isn't fair to the "ugly" one. And so I am at a stalemate with myself because of my "values" if you will.

Now, I absolutely hate the words: pretty, ugly, beautiful, etc; I avoid using them whenever possible. It is for the reason I stated previously, because of the repercussion that it causes. Of course people aren't divided into the pretty and ugly, and also as my last fortune cookie stated "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I'm also not saying that I would never be interested in someone whom I considered bad looking. All am I'm saying is that the more of a physical attraction I have, the stronger the urge; and well I'm sure this applies to everyone. What I am interested in is what's within this often misleading cover. The problem is getting at that substance.