Dried Up Tears

After sharing with a friend of mine that I had recently watched the film 'P.S. I Love You' she asked me if I cried at any point. I said no, and she asked me why. I didn't really know what to tell her. I just didn't. I only remember crying perhaps a handful of times in my entire life and I recall pretty clearly each event leading up to the emotionally induced tears.

There were a few times I shed some tears over scrapes and bruises around the age of twelve or so, but those were pretty insignificant events. Around the same time, my great grandfather died. I don't remember my first reaction to the news, but I know I did not cry at first. It was later in the day, after dinner while my family was in the living room. I was lying down on the couch face first and very randomly while my mother was talking, tears started streaming down my face, soaking into the couch cushion. It wasn't something I was used to. I glanced around the room and wondered why I was the only one crying. One strange thing about this is, I wasn't particularly close to my great grandfather. I had very brief, yet happy memories of him.

My memories of my childhood are very scattered, but I do remember certain bits and pieces with vivid clarity. I don't know the reason, but I used to induce tears as a way to put myself to sleep. This was probably during my middle teenage years. I would lay in bed staring up at the ceiling imagining the demise of close family members. The burning sensation in my eyes, two separate tears streaking down the sides of my face and onto my pillow gave me a strange source of comfort. It may or may not have been some sort of release for an unidentified factor of stress in my life at the time.

The last time was in a diner about three years ago. I won't go into the details because of their personal value, but I'll say that I had been drinking with some close friends after a pretty significant event in my life. At the table, after sharing with my friends what had happened, I stared at my folded hands for a good five minutes, and shortly thereafter had the sudden need to vomit. But instead, I started to cry. Quite profusely and violently I might add, I have never cried this hard, for this long in my life. It was totally unavoidable, I couldn't stop it.

In a way, I feel as though I used up all my emotional tears in that one night. The event that transpired changed my life forever. I had come to a realization of something I've been forever dreading. In my life, this was of most importance. Nothing could ever come close. And nothing has thus far. I have not shed a single tear since that day 3 years ago.

I never quite understood why people cry during movies, books, or after hearing something depressing on the news. I never did cry about them in the first place, but many of these events are occurring around the world every second. It may not be on the news, but somewhere in the world someone's father has just died. A mother has had her second miscarriage. A train has derailed and twenty people died. Why do people just cry about these things when they are reminded of them? Maybe that's it, they are reminded. And when this happens, they become immensely empathetic. Psychology! It's infinitely theoretical in my opinion.

I've lead myself to believe that nothing could ever surpass this one turning point in terms of how much it affected me emotionally. But what's strange is that I haven't cried about it since. If nothing else makes me as sad as the realization I came to that night, why do I not cry about it often? I am constantly thinking about it. It's always on my mind. Five minutes don't go by without the thought running its course throughout my brain.

Nothing a quick google search can't take care of! I came across this article. In case you don't feel like reading it, someone conducted a survey on the effects of a "sad" movie on both "normal" and "depressed" subjects. I put these words in quotes because I have many issues with semantics. In any case, they found that the depressed folks actually cried less than their normal counterparts. And suddenly I had an epiphany!

THEORY: I am suffering from long-term depression. I've been living with it for so long, everything just became a blur. It has made me become numb to everything around me. Depressed people don't cry because they have nothing to lose, while "normal" people cry because they have everything to lose.

Putting most of that theory aside, I can definitely come to the conclusion that I am indeed depressed and the root of it all seems to be the reason why I no longer cry.

Step 1 to recovery: Admitting you have a problem.

Step 2 to recovery: Do something about it.

This should be interesting.