The Time We Have Left

Do you ever get the feeling you're about to die? Or going to die soon? Perhaps you think about doing it yourself, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm also not talking about having a terminal illness, having a gun pointed at your head, or being at an old enough age where you're likely to kick the bucket. It's a different, less severe, and humbling feeling. It's an odd, usually random, and fleeting feeling that something bad is going to happen. Something unexpected. Something tragic, yet bittersweet.

It's different than being in a near-miss (really, near-hit) car accident. It's different from the feeling you get when the airplane you're in experiences strong and sudden turbulence. It's not a feeling of panic. It's not that intense feeling of sadness you get when you think about death and how you don't want to die.

There could be nothing wrong in my life. I'll be driving down the road, usually a highway at night after rush hour, and this feeling hits me. I feel like my life is about to end. I think to myself what could cause it. Will there be a random drunk driver who drives me off the road? Am I going to experience a seizure and drive into a wall? Or maybe it'll happen after I get off  the road. Am I going to be mugged at gunpoint tonight? Will the gunner decide to kill me anyway, even after I handed them my wallet? 

Maybe it'll be something slower. Do I have cancer? I'm not experiencing any symptoms. Maybe it's something that will manifest itself in a way that is not noticeable, and by the time it's diagnosed, it'll be too late. If so, how much longer do I have left? Should I start getting my affairs in order?

I'm still young. Statistically, I still have about fifty years of life left. But, that's an average. I could be an outlier. Or simply, just on the lower part of the curve. With what's going on recently, you never know. I never used to have these feelings. They must have started a few years ago. I don't know if they are going to be temporary or recurring. 

But, I hope they don't go away. It's a sad feeling and a reminder of my eventual death, but it gives me motivation. Do what you can before your time is up. It's a reminder not to dwell on bad memories or regrets.

I have a fear of flying. Even though I don't show it, I'm nervous from the night before the flight to the point after landing. It's obvious by my overactive gut and bowel movements. But, after touching down I feel alive. I want to take on the world. Complete my goals. Live like there's no tomorrow. I used to wonder if there's a way to replicate this feeling even without flying. Maybe now, I have that. 

Lately I've been experiencing a slightly different feeling. It's not fleeting. It's more constant. I don't know if I'll shake the feeling or not. Hard to say. Maybe I don't want it to go away. I've had an incessant need to share and pass on my knowledge to the younger generation. I feel like if I don't share it soon, it'll be too late.

Some say it's good to feel frightened from time to time. Maybe this is why. If you live every day in a fog, like a zombie, you lose track of what's important. You lose sight of your limited time. 

I wish I could wake up every morning and feel like my plane just landed. I don't know yet how to mimic this feeling. I hope the feeling I have been experiencing lately doesn't fade away. Living in monotony is my worst nightmare. Life has a lot to offer. Sometimes you're limited by feelings from your past. Maybe it's psychological. Maybe it's stubbornness. 

Motivation is a funny thing. Sometimes it comes to you out of thin air. Most of the time I think it is random, but you may be able to increase the likelihood by making some changes in your life. Put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Do something that scares you. Heck, it could even be a little thing like trying a different kind of food or going for a walk a different path from what you're used to. They say, the human soul thrives on exploration.

I'm going to die, but I don't know when. I shouldn't dwell on that fact, but it's good to be reminded of my limited time. I want to experience life. I want to share what I learn and discover. It's a miracle I exist in the first place. Why would I waste my limited time by thinking about my painful past? Why would I constantly do things I don't want to do? It's my life and I only have small amount of time. Then, I'm gone for good.

I'm thinking I'll change my alarm clock sound on my phone to to the sound of a jet engine coming in for a landing. Maybe that'll help induce this feeling of being alive. Really, alive.