I always thought marriage was founded by religion. So I never really understood why atheists and gay couples ever felt the need to get married, except maybe for the benefits. Perhaps marriage was strongly tied to religion in the past, which might be why religious folks fought so strongly to prevent same-sex marriages, but after a quick Miriam-Webster visit, there is no mention of religion in the definition.
From a religious point of view, marriage is the symbol of god's plan to match two people up together. I would imagine that most religious folks believe in soul mates, so this ritual would serve a dual purpose. So what does marriage mean to everyone else? Maybe it was just invented by the government as incentive to the rest of us to get married, have a family, and further perpetuate the ideal American dream.
Going along with my most recent blogs, perhaps marriage is simply a communication from one person to another that states both parties are ready to stop the search for their ideal mate; not because they found this person, but because they are ready to compromise. Obviously though from recent divorce rates, this doesn't often last long. Which makes you wonder why.
My grandparents are still married, on both my mother's and father's side. When they got married, I believe they were very religious, but I don't think that was the reason they decided to get married. I'm not sure what their religions are today, but they got married because of their situations. The biggest reason being children, which I'm sure is the reason for 90% of the marriages even today. And they stayed married. This doesn't anymore. I'm assuming it has to do with the slow evaporation of traditional 'gender roles'. The women used to be very depended on their husband and just couldn't afford to leave him. I'm almost positive if I asked either of my grandparents if they believed they were married to their soul mates, they would laugh in my face. The idea that there is probably a better match for you somewhere in the world I'm sure is not my invention.
The one thing I can also say about my grandparents is that they love each other. There's just no doubt in my mind. Whatever love is, they have it. They argue constantly. Sometimes it even seems that they might hate each other from time to time, but they can always find something to laugh about during dinner. This makes it all worth it.
Connecting to my previous blog about attraction, and thinking about the unique personalities of the woman form Sex and the City, it all depends on the person. Samantha for example is on a vigorous search for the perfect man, going through them like candy. Her three friends Miranda, Charlotte, and Carrie on the other hand are a bit more selective and careful. As an end to the series(the movie), while her friends end up with the guy everyone knew they would end up with, she leaves a seemingly perfect relationship because of her unwillingness to compromise. This is just the kind of person she is.
Coming to the realization that it is impossible to search the entire world for the person who comes closer than anyone else to your ideal, how do you know when it's time to stop searching and settle down with a person you feel comfortable compromising with? I suppose it all depends on how ambitious you are, and your standards in general. Some people will search forever, like Samantha Jones, while others are content to settle. Much like finding a soul mate, I wonder if it's equally as difficult to find another person willing to settle. Everyone feels comfort in knowing that something or someone will always be there. Unfortunately there are many deciding factors constantly in flux, there's no way to know for sure. I cannot dwell on these thoughts though, as they are beyond my control. What I can control is my smile. And it will be in use every single day of my life.
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Warning: This is a long comment.
ReplyDeleteYour posts about Friendship, Fading Attraction and Relationships all caused me to ponder my own interactions with people. I may comment on the others at some point too, but right now this one speaks to me.
I think that the history of marriage is probably a lot more complicated and probably even more interesting than just that is was founded by religion or invented by the state. I think these two institutions have taken over (most of) the control of marriage, but I think the concept was around before those "official" sanctions. In fact, I think there are sociobiological theories that try to explain "marriage". (I'm using that term loosely) I'm not sure, though. Might be an interesting topic to investigate.
I think how a person chooses a spouse is about as varied as how people do anything. Could one, solitary person ever possibly encompass all your "ideals" for a mate? Let's say you had some way to check out every single possible person on the planet, do you really believe there would be one person who encompassed all your ideals who was "more perfect" than everyone else? And wouldn't you say it's likely that your ideals for a mate will change over time anyway? Where does that leave a person when trying to decide about marriage??? Yikes. Daunting. ;-)
If you look at marriage as "settling" then that's kind of depressing. However, I'm sure that more than a few people have "settled" with their choices for a spouse. And as far as compromising, I don't think most people consider the real compromises when they are in the process of getting engaged/married. The real work of compromise doesn't show up until a few years roll by and significant life decision start to be made jointly. That's my opinion. You can learn a lot about yourself by observing your reactions to situations that call for compromise. Compromise is a fact of life in everything we do, even in our solo endeavors, so I don't take it as a negative. Perhaps we rationalize and accept it better when we must compromise with our personal limitations.
If you meet someone who encourages you to be an ever-growing, ever-changing person and you do the same for them that doesn't feel like settling. If you challenge yourselves to realize when the relationship is getting stagnant or boring and do something to change that, then marriage doesn't feel like settling. If, after 10 years together, you can still sit at the dinner table for two hours speculating about differences between memorization and learning and how each might happen or affect the brain differently, it doesn't feel like settling. Maybe there's no way of knowing these things ahead of time though. Maybe you only learn about them as you go along year after year with someone. And you either figure out a way to make it work positively or you become miserable and disillusioned.(ah...'dis-illusioned', what a great word choice. For a while one of my favorite quotes was from Oscar Wilde: "The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties.")
If, however, you always expect your partner to be your be-all, end-all best friend for everything, your one and only "soul mate" to whom you are attracted voraciously every day just like you were the fist week you lived together you'll end up disappointed and bored. If you deny yourself friendships with other people and new individual experiences because you have a spouse who you're supposed to do everything with, then yes, marriage will probably feel like settling.
When I was about 21 years old and visiting my 80 year old Grandma, I was going on and on about my college boyfriend. She smiled and listened patiently and then said, "well, just make sure there's more between you than just physical stuff. 'Cuz that'll fade away and you better have something else good to keep you together."
I've often asked myself why I think marriage is important. Or if I even do. I must if I selected that option for myself, right? There is something significant about committing to another person in a public ceremony, in a legally binding way, in an out-loud statement of intentions to the one you love. I have never been in a long term, non-legally bound partnership with someone, so I have nothing personal to use as a comparison to marriage. Maybe it's just another way to experiment with our lives and add some essence to our existence.
Doh! I didn't even know this comment was here until today. Note to self: turn on email notifications.
ReplyDeleteI didn't do any real research on the topic of marriage, but I would assume that the term stemmed from the magnet-like attractiveness between two parties and their ability to form something that they could not have achieved alone. A child for example is an obvious result of a marriage. You could also have a marriage of ideals.
I do think that if you could somehow sort through everyone in the world, you would be able to single out one person who comes the closest to your ideal mate. Albeit it would be an extremely hard decision. But I agree with you that people's tastes change over time, so that ideal person would fluctuate.
I believe I used settling and compromising almost interchangeably. By settling, you are making a compromise; and viceversa. I don't take them at being negative either. It's a way of embracing and communicating: I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, let's be imperfect together.
Even though you may be consistently encouraged by your spouse to be a 'better' person, or to achieve your life goals, it doesn't change the (for lack of a better word) fact that your union is a form of settling. But, it doesn't have to be depressing.
The relationship you described above is a lovely one, and is something I personally strive for. This is all one could hope for in a committed relationship.
I am not yet sure that marriage is right for me. It just seems to me like an unnecessary display. If I love someone, no on else has to know except that one person. I wouldn't even need to say it. From my actions, the would know. And from my favorite fortune cookie saying: "Nothing needs to be said, everything lies in silence."